Feeling depressed is a strange thing. It never seems to be a sudden onset thing. More like realising that a character is not alone in the room during a spy film, they turn around and realise they've been watched the entire time. Depressed feelings are often covert and I believe enter through crack in doors and gaps in windows. A note to happy people, insulate your homes with foam rubber strips.
It either sneaks in or is just always there but only I only notice it when the rest of the world seems bad enough or busy enough that I'm often left alone and realise the all to familiar feeling. A great thing to be writing about at the halfway point of fourth term. I've started some cognitive behaviour therapy in the past few weeks which is interesting although Im skeptical that it will do anything to improve my opinions of myself but maybe the best outcome is to at least understand them.
It could also be in my best interests to begin examining what I actually want or crave. I think I know but do I have the nerve to tell people and will I have the ability to process their reactions upon hearing? Do I possess the faculties to filter out the outwardly positive and negative reactions and determine a balanced truth? I don't have the answers. I have always wanted the answers but have never had the guts to throw myself at something without knowing the answer beforehand. Maybe now needs to be the time, good or bad.
There are no shocking revelations forthcoming. I want the same as what a lot of others want, with a twist. I want to be recognised as good at something. Not just anything but something that I want to be good at. I loved going to the gym a few years back, it helped be be in better shape for basketball, feel better about myself and see that I was improving myself. I even booked personal training sessions and paid in advance. I only used one of the four that I paid for. I don't want to be a gym junkie but it allowed me to be not than the worst player on my basketball team. I love playing but the game is so reactive for me, I cant get a step ahead I can only seem to play in the previous moment to the frustration of many a teammate. I'm average height, average build, below average fitness, below average game skills and quantifiably the worst player on my team. Two weeks ago I scored six points and was told I'd played "a blinder" of a game. I'm quite sure everyone on the team scores six points most weeks and besides we lost by twenty.
I want people to legitimately recognise me as being good at something that I really care about. I want what lost of people want, to be unique. I can hear family members now saying 'oh you're so funny", "you're a good teacher" "your child loves you", if that were the case I would have someone other than my family members saying that I'm a good teacher, I'd also have made it as a comic and my child is three and I play dinosaurs and vacuum cleaners. Neither of those is true even through the CBT techniques. I want to be able to feel that I am unique for being good at something I am passionate about and know (in myself) that it's true.
The unfortunate thing about my depressed states is that last part. I am unable to see how it can be true. That is the general tone of my life and I don't want a magical fix to my view of my life. The change needs to be me. I need to be able to understand it and not have some mythical Jimmy Saville "fix it" for me (terrible reference but I'm only thinking of the on camera version). Of course effort plays a big role. I do not put in an effort to be a better basketball player, it was obvious that when I did, I was. Mindset gets in the way of effort and fatigue, work and depression have a huge impact on mindset. CBT says that I am jumping to conclusions. I say that as I already know I am the worst player and know that only a colossal amount of training will make be significantly better then why bother?
The result is that I am trying to grow new skills and see if there's a way that I can quietly strike out on my own and be unique to a point where I can legitimately feel satisfied with myself. That's how I feel. I know my moods will go up and down. Work will get done, deadlines met, weeks pass until the break begins and I try to find the time to do this work on myself while I leave my family unsupported, then guilt kicks in.
I.M
Thursday, 9 November 2017
Tuesday, 31 October 2017
Halloweenily? Me?
Halloween is too American.
Halloween is un-Christian.
Halloween is Pagan and evil.
Righty oh then. Halloween is such a nonsensical piece of useless American ephemera is it. Like many other useless American things that we hate in our world: mobile phone, traffic lights, air conditioning (not invented by Jesus actually but if your unit was made in South America, it may have been assembled by Jesus) Lets not forget carbon dating, camera film, chocolate chip biscuits, condensed milk, suspension bridges, potato chips, the Big Mac. The USA has contributed more than enough things to current western societies that We should allow them some lenience on this one, because its IRISH!!
The Harvest Festival Samhain "Sow en" apparently originated from northern Ireland and England (Wales and Scotland weren't a thing) by the Druids (Stone Henge, the third of the henges, it came after straw henge and wood henge) Built by the Welsh and was to celebrate the end of the growing season and the start of winter.
They believed that the dead could cross into the world of the living at this time (John Edward would've been out of a job) so they would dress as ghosts etc in case they bumped into a real one so then they'd go unnoticed. Not a terribly dumb plan, it seems practical if you actually believed that.
"Oh we don't believe in ghosts and witches in Christianity" Im sure all the Wiccans reading would annoy you if they said "oh we don't believe in Christians. And ghosts, are you sure? The notion of people who have died and come back to walk among the living is completely foreign to Christianity? I'm no theology major but I distinctly remember quite a significant segment of the book being about a person being killed and them coming back and walking around with people for 40 days. He even told people what to do. he told people to not be afraid.
Halloween was an Samhain was an ingrained celebration by the time Pope Gregory I? (the one with the really big hat) made November 1st All Saints Day and 2nd All Souls Day. Hallowed days. The day before henceforth becomes All Hallows Eve and if you're good at rearranging letters (and ditching a few) you can get Halloween.
Pagan and evil? Pagan is a term for polytheistic belief systems by Christians. Non theists are also called heathens but often go on to prove things with science but I digress. Hinduism, Ghandi was clearly a devil worshipper right, with all his 'be nice to people and don't solve problems with violence'? Ancient Greeks were polytheistic and its not like they did anything useful but I wonder if I could find out the circumference of that circle? Why does the level of the water go up in the bath when a person gets in? It means worshipping more than one God but we've seemingly steered or had it steered and I wont ask "by whom?" toward the thinking that "Pagans" wear goat skulls and sacrifice babies. There are probably less polytheists less in the world as there are, at least according to census data, less theists in the world of all varieties.
So its too American? Actually its Irish and nobody's complaining about St Patrick's Day and if it were American, so what? tons of awesome stuff has come from America, like Sham-Wow, remember that?
It's Un-Christian? Well it was until a Catholic Pope decided to add two "Hallowed" days right after it like many other northern hemisphere festivals that christianity has "borrowed" for its own purposes *coughChristmas*. Plus the main thing that people consider un-Christian (people who were dead coming back to life) is clearly depicted in the Bible (I have read one before, its a long boring story and nobody likes snakes, which is sad if you're a snake). So its as un-Christian as the resurrection of Jesus?
It's Pagan and Evil? well Pagan refers to any religion that believes there is more than one God. There are still a few of those around. Have you ever met people hanging Crystals and dancing in front of trees smiling and being all nice? Totally and evil Pagan. The Hindu doctor who sewed my face back together at uni..Yeah he'd only do that if I promised to eat a kitten.
I get that people don't like it. Maybe they'll be disturbed by kids knocking on the door during their favourite tv show. Maybe they are against the commercialisation of someone's traditional religious event. So start a campaign to remember the "true meaning" of Halloween like you do for Christmas and Easter. Maybe you're against the sexualisation of young people in costumes as some look like they belong in the bedroom of adults instead of being worn o their kids, go an crusade to make all costumes floor length. Dress up as a dalek. I just cant stand the bullshit arguments against it. "It's not Australian", well Santa still wears his friggin long coat, long pants and winter hat when its 40 degrees here so deal with it. If you don't like Halloween just say "I don't like giving away lollies".
Yes I'm a non theist and I also believe wholeheartedly that everyone, including myself is a hypocrite and Halloween is a great demonstration of that hypocrisy. I have no problem with your religion reader, provided you don't use the fact it's yours to diminish someone else's, at that point I'll go to town.
I.M
Halloween is un-Christian.
Halloween is Pagan and evil.
Righty oh then. Halloween is such a nonsensical piece of useless American ephemera is it. Like many other useless American things that we hate in our world: mobile phone, traffic lights, air conditioning (not invented by Jesus actually but if your unit was made in South America, it may have been assembled by Jesus) Lets not forget carbon dating, camera film, chocolate chip biscuits, condensed milk, suspension bridges, potato chips, the Big Mac. The USA has contributed more than enough things to current western societies that We should allow them some lenience on this one, because its IRISH!!
The Harvest Festival Samhain "Sow en" apparently originated from northern Ireland and England (Wales and Scotland weren't a thing) by the Druids (Stone Henge, the third of the henges, it came after straw henge and wood henge) Built by the Welsh and was to celebrate the end of the growing season and the start of winter.
They believed that the dead could cross into the world of the living at this time (John Edward would've been out of a job) so they would dress as ghosts etc in case they bumped into a real one so then they'd go unnoticed. Not a terribly dumb plan, it seems practical if you actually believed that.
"Oh we don't believe in ghosts and witches in Christianity" Im sure all the Wiccans reading would annoy you if they said "oh we don't believe in Christians. And ghosts, are you sure? The notion of people who have died and come back to walk among the living is completely foreign to Christianity? I'm no theology major but I distinctly remember quite a significant segment of the book being about a person being killed and them coming back and walking around with people for 40 days. He even told people what to do. he told people to not be afraid.
Halloween was an Samhain was an ingrained celebration by the time Pope Gregory I? (the one with the really big hat) made November 1st All Saints Day and 2nd All Souls Day. Hallowed days. The day before henceforth becomes All Hallows Eve and if you're good at rearranging letters (and ditching a few) you can get Halloween.
Pagan and evil? Pagan is a term for polytheistic belief systems by Christians. Non theists are also called heathens but often go on to prove things with science but I digress. Hinduism, Ghandi was clearly a devil worshipper right, with all his 'be nice to people and don't solve problems with violence'? Ancient Greeks were polytheistic and its not like they did anything useful but I wonder if I could find out the circumference of that circle? Why does the level of the water go up in the bath when a person gets in? It means worshipping more than one God but we've seemingly steered or had it steered and I wont ask "by whom?" toward the thinking that "Pagans" wear goat skulls and sacrifice babies. There are probably less polytheists less in the world as there are, at least according to census data, less theists in the world of all varieties.
So its too American? Actually its Irish and nobody's complaining about St Patrick's Day and if it were American, so what? tons of awesome stuff has come from America, like Sham-Wow, remember that?
It's Un-Christian? Well it was until a Catholic Pope decided to add two "Hallowed" days right after it like many other northern hemisphere festivals that christianity has "borrowed" for its own purposes *coughChristmas*. Plus the main thing that people consider un-Christian (people who were dead coming back to life) is clearly depicted in the Bible (I have read one before, its a long boring story and nobody likes snakes, which is sad if you're a snake). So its as un-Christian as the resurrection of Jesus?
It's Pagan and Evil? well Pagan refers to any religion that believes there is more than one God. There are still a few of those around. Have you ever met people hanging Crystals and dancing in front of trees smiling and being all nice? Totally and evil Pagan. The Hindu doctor who sewed my face back together at uni..Yeah he'd only do that if I promised to eat a kitten.
I get that people don't like it. Maybe they'll be disturbed by kids knocking on the door during their favourite tv show. Maybe they are against the commercialisation of someone's traditional religious event. So start a campaign to remember the "true meaning" of Halloween like you do for Christmas and Easter. Maybe you're against the sexualisation of young people in costumes as some look like they belong in the bedroom of adults instead of being worn o their kids, go an crusade to make all costumes floor length. Dress up as a dalek. I just cant stand the bullshit arguments against it. "It's not Australian", well Santa still wears his friggin long coat, long pants and winter hat when its 40 degrees here so deal with it. If you don't like Halloween just say "I don't like giving away lollies".
Yes I'm a non theist and I also believe wholeheartedly that everyone, including myself is a hypocrite and Halloween is a great demonstration of that hypocrisy. I have no problem with your religion reader, provided you don't use the fact it's yours to diminish someone else's, at that point I'll go to town.
I.M
Friday, 27 October 2017
Technologically Me
Jeff Biscuits, named after the famous Roman Emperor Jeffryus Buscuitus, is my 2006 Mac Mini. Now during my last "low" period in Adelaide I resorted to retail therapy on a budget. I bought a mac mini for $10 with the idea to run Linux on it to learn a little more for next year. My DOS command line skills are probably rusty but ok, Unix on the other hand is non existent. When the G4 mini I bought turned out (at this stage to not be working) I kept an eye out for a cheap mini (under $100). When I got home I noticed an ad that was a few weeks old for an Intel based mini for $90 that had been for sale for a few weeks. I called and offered $40 and it was accepted. Dad lovingly collected Jeff, packed him and sent him up on the bus.
I knew it was working but I wanted more than the 60gb of hard drive. A kind chap had given me two salvaged laptop drives for free 320gb apiece (one was a Seagate Barracuda). I set to installing one and after some swearing and complaining about not having Foxconn fingers I got it back together.
I booted the mac knowing that I'd have to root around to find the Snow Leopard DVD to install on it when I noticed that windows 10 was trying to boot. This got me thinking about whether this could be the answer to my windows problem.
I have been running a virtualised machine on my MacBook but am a bit sick of losing half my SSD for it. I use it for work (normally twice a year) to write reports and keep it current because We have changed software a few times already and each time we've changed it is Windows only until I cause a fuss. So I'd been thinking about a dedicated Windows machine. Sure I could've bought a Dell Optilex (I think thats the name) off Gumtree and be where I am now, but where's the fun in that. Plus I think the mini is better to look at than the Dell and I dare say probably better made (I mean it is a Dell).
I discovered this video from the 8-Bit Guy (formerly the iBook Guy) and thought about upping the memory in the mini to its max 2GB. I hit ebay and bought 2GB for $8 (posted) it arrived in many pieces because the seller had taped the two dimms together and stuck them in an envelope. Again a kind and anonymous person found two replacement dimms from scrapped notebooks and I was in biz again.
That is until I saw this and this, I put two and two together, actually got four and hit ebay for a Core 2 Duo CPU for Jeff. After 20 minutes I located Gary in NSW who had a stack of laptop CPUs for sale on Gumtree, among them were two Intel T7200s. I bought the pair for $3 plus $1.44 postage.
Now up to this point my Mac Mini 1.66ghz with 1gb of ram and 320gb hard drive was already running Windows 10 at work, slowly but reliably (there is a Realtek sound driver I need to find). I mean Jeff did everything I wanted, email was working, I could upload homework to my Google Drive and send out messages via Remind. I even installed Office 2016 (which requires 2gb of memory) and worked.
Tonight was a quest to see if I could not only, not break Jeff but also to improve Jeff to be a reliable workhorse again and free my MacBook's SSD from it's Windows partition. Success ensued the mismatched Hynix and Samsung dimms work fine, the CPU makes booting much more reasonable and the mini went back together well. Jeff's new specs: Intel Core 2 Duo 2Ghz 2GB memory and 320GB hard drive. Via an boot assistant called REfit It boots to windows in 1:18sec (not bad for an obsolete machine) and Mac OS in 20.2sec from the bot selector.
I have chosen to keep a tiny MacOS partition as: 1. Windows cant recognise the Mac partition of the drive to delete it. 2. I have just bought a ridiculously cheap Time Capsule for a mini network at work and Apple's Airport Utility is better for configuring, plus Time Machine will backup all of the Hard Disk including the 300GB Windows Partition.
So there you have it, a post about something nerdy, positive, ambitious and successful.
BTW I can now update the firmware in OS X to take 3GB of memory which will make it even faster if I can track down some DDR2 667 laptop ram.
Jeff Biscuits costs.
Purchase $40
Memory $8
Hard Drives $0
CPU $4.44
Thermal Paste $4.95
Total Cost $57.39 not bad for a recycling job.
I.M
I knew it was working but I wanted more than the 60gb of hard drive. A kind chap had given me two salvaged laptop drives for free 320gb apiece (one was a Seagate Barracuda). I set to installing one and after some swearing and complaining about not having Foxconn fingers I got it back together.
I booted the mac knowing that I'd have to root around to find the Snow Leopard DVD to install on it when I noticed that windows 10 was trying to boot. This got me thinking about whether this could be the answer to my windows problem.
I have been running a virtualised machine on my MacBook but am a bit sick of losing half my SSD for it. I use it for work (normally twice a year) to write reports and keep it current because We have changed software a few times already and each time we've changed it is Windows only until I cause a fuss. So I'd been thinking about a dedicated Windows machine. Sure I could've bought a Dell Optilex (I think thats the name) off Gumtree and be where I am now, but where's the fun in that. Plus I think the mini is better to look at than the Dell and I dare say probably better made (I mean it is a Dell).
I discovered this video from the 8-Bit Guy (formerly the iBook Guy) and thought about upping the memory in the mini to its max 2GB. I hit ebay and bought 2GB for $8 (posted) it arrived in many pieces because the seller had taped the two dimms together and stuck them in an envelope. Again a kind and anonymous person found two replacement dimms from scrapped notebooks and I was in biz again.
That is until I saw this and this, I put two and two together, actually got four and hit ebay for a Core 2 Duo CPU for Jeff. After 20 minutes I located Gary in NSW who had a stack of laptop CPUs for sale on Gumtree, among them were two Intel T7200s. I bought the pair for $3 plus $1.44 postage.
Now up to this point my Mac Mini 1.66ghz with 1gb of ram and 320gb hard drive was already running Windows 10 at work, slowly but reliably (there is a Realtek sound driver I need to find). I mean Jeff did everything I wanted, email was working, I could upload homework to my Google Drive and send out messages via Remind. I even installed Office 2016 (which requires 2gb of memory) and worked.
Tonight was a quest to see if I could not only, not break Jeff but also to improve Jeff to be a reliable workhorse again and free my MacBook's SSD from it's Windows partition. Success ensued the mismatched Hynix and Samsung dimms work fine, the CPU makes booting much more reasonable and the mini went back together well. Jeff's new specs: Intel Core 2 Duo 2Ghz 2GB memory and 320GB hard drive. Via an boot assistant called REfit It boots to windows in 1:18sec (not bad for an obsolete machine) and Mac OS in 20.2sec from the bot selector.
I have chosen to keep a tiny MacOS partition as: 1. Windows cant recognise the Mac partition of the drive to delete it. 2. I have just bought a ridiculously cheap Time Capsule for a mini network at work and Apple's Airport Utility is better for configuring, plus Time Machine will backup all of the Hard Disk including the 300GB Windows Partition.
So there you have it, a post about something nerdy, positive, ambitious and successful.
BTW I can now update the firmware in OS X to take 3GB of memory which will make it even faster if I can track down some DDR2 667 laptop ram.
Jeff Biscuits costs.
Purchase $40
Memory $8
Hard Drives $0
CPU $4.44
Thermal Paste $4.95
Total Cost $57.39 not bad for a recycling job.
I.M
Monday, 23 October 2017
Narratable Me
This blog isn't narrated by Sarah Jessica Parker in my head but I'd love to know how she managed to make money from writing about the mundane. I'm happy to not make money but maybe accept donations of sneakers and technology or car parts would be handy. Handy as in helpful and not the german for mobile phone 'mein handy'.
When did we decide that suits were the thing to do so men can look professional? if your plumber came wearing a suit you may think he isn't going to do a good job. When I wear a suit I spend the day trying to fix the collar and try not to look like I'm entering an early guilty plea. I'd assume tailoring is essential but not many people have the physique to fill out suits properly. Does this cover my ankles, not touch the floor cover, my wrists but not my hands and hold onto my waist? Sold.
Suits are find if you're sitting down but you never go into a dress shop and see people miming tying a shoelace do you? They say "go for a walk. How does that feel?" To be honest it feels like I'm about to spend a large sum of money on cloths that aren't comfortable, make me look like I wasn't in the room when they were sized and will evidently look like a knob when I tie my shoelaces in.
Who decided? There was a meeting. All the business owners were there, Mr Cola, Dr Pepper and Colonel Sanders. At some point someone said, "our working men just look too darn comfortable. Surely we can make them feel awkward somehow without making them suspicious". After some deliberation they all came to the conclusion of when most boys feel awkward, school formals. And thats how the suit was made into the uniform of the professional.
My workplace has a corporate casual approach. I had to google it. Don't dress like a CEO, well you can but not one of a wealthy company. Well you can but not one of the really, really rich ones, because they wear jeans and thats just too casual. What is the corporate? where is the casual? I honestly don't understand and haven't for a long time while being able o dress in an appropriate manner. I can dress like a door to door insurance salesperson but not the CEO of a fortune 500 company? Which screams confidence and success, cheap and ill fitting Target polyester doesn't for me. Maybe I just have too expensive a taste in fashion (evident and laughable of you've ever met me). I believe its suit; sans tie and jacket (unless its cold and it becomes shirt, pants, shoes and pneumonia.
Why doesn't the flake come in a plastic tray to catch all the broken bits? Or why doesn't it come in smaller chunks to: 1. Prevent unnecessary breakage and 2. be more ice cream friendly. Did you ever just eat the flake as a kid? My dad never ate his flake. He was always very good about it. When the Twirl came out it should've been called Flake 2.0 because they just made the flake less messy to eat. Have you ever seen someone who can eat a flake without making a mess? I have, and its the same person who can eat a crumbly pie sans mess as well. Its unnerving to meet people who make you feel like you eat barnyard style.
Off for a flake (fetching the dustpan first)
I.M
Dear Cadbury please sponsor my blog with Twirl bars and bring back the Take 5.
Thank you
I.M
When did we decide that suits were the thing to do so men can look professional? if your plumber came wearing a suit you may think he isn't going to do a good job. When I wear a suit I spend the day trying to fix the collar and try not to look like I'm entering an early guilty plea. I'd assume tailoring is essential but not many people have the physique to fill out suits properly. Does this cover my ankles, not touch the floor cover, my wrists but not my hands and hold onto my waist? Sold.
Suits are find if you're sitting down but you never go into a dress shop and see people miming tying a shoelace do you? They say "go for a walk. How does that feel?" To be honest it feels like I'm about to spend a large sum of money on cloths that aren't comfortable, make me look like I wasn't in the room when they were sized and will evidently look like a knob when I tie my shoelaces in.
Who decided? There was a meeting. All the business owners were there, Mr Cola, Dr Pepper and Colonel Sanders. At some point someone said, "our working men just look too darn comfortable. Surely we can make them feel awkward somehow without making them suspicious". After some deliberation they all came to the conclusion of when most boys feel awkward, school formals. And thats how the suit was made into the uniform of the professional.
My workplace has a corporate casual approach. I had to google it. Don't dress like a CEO, well you can but not one of a wealthy company. Well you can but not one of the really, really rich ones, because they wear jeans and thats just too casual. What is the corporate? where is the casual? I honestly don't understand and haven't for a long time while being able o dress in an appropriate manner. I can dress like a door to door insurance salesperson but not the CEO of a fortune 500 company? Which screams confidence and success, cheap and ill fitting Target polyester doesn't for me. Maybe I just have too expensive a taste in fashion (evident and laughable of you've ever met me). I believe its suit; sans tie and jacket (unless its cold and it becomes shirt, pants, shoes and pneumonia.
Why doesn't the flake come in a plastic tray to catch all the broken bits? Or why doesn't it come in smaller chunks to: 1. Prevent unnecessary breakage and 2. be more ice cream friendly. Did you ever just eat the flake as a kid? My dad never ate his flake. He was always very good about it. When the Twirl came out it should've been called Flake 2.0 because they just made the flake less messy to eat. Have you ever seen someone who can eat a flake without making a mess? I have, and its the same person who can eat a crumbly pie sans mess as well. Its unnerving to meet people who make you feel like you eat barnyard style.
Off for a flake (fetching the dustpan first)
I.M
Dear Cadbury please sponsor my blog with Twirl bars and bring back the Take 5.
Thank you
I.M
Sunday, 22 October 2017
Unrateable Me
In the year of 2017 there was a blog which did not yet reach its former lofty heights of reaching more than 55 people, this is that blog. My quest is to gain readership and then slowly filter crap into your minds via clever suggestion and mention of monkeys.
When being a standup was not going to become a reality something in my head said, "yeah, schoolteacher man! Be a teacher captive audience to try jokes on". Based on 13 years of classroom experience I shall now use my best received jokes: penis.......poo.........Uranus........(student) have you got the sheet and I'm not doing a South American accent. There you go, proof of why I'm not a comic.
Being that the laptop is down to 2% I thought I should give a big shout to the wonderful people from today. The Science Alive crew and all who came and helped out and made the day memorable, Lee, Mat, Jason. Also a big thank you to my wife, whom I abandoned today to go play robots.
Now for some sleep.
I.M
When being a standup was not going to become a reality something in my head said, "yeah, schoolteacher man! Be a teacher captive audience to try jokes on". Based on 13 years of classroom experience I shall now use my best received jokes: penis.......poo.........Uranus........(student) have you got the sheet and I'm not doing a South American accent. There you go, proof of why I'm not a comic.
Being that the laptop is down to 2% I thought I should give a big shout to the wonderful people from today. The Science Alive crew and all who came and helped out and made the day memorable, Lee, Mat, Jason. Also a big thank you to my wife, whom I abandoned today to go play robots.
Now for some sleep.
I.M
Sunday, 15 October 2017
Moody Me
There a post not beginning with "I".
I have been to see a counsellor, is it counsellor or councillor? Sorry had to go and take the nose vacuum off the stove as it was about to boil over. Someone please make voice recognition software so that my hands don't have to keep up with my brain!
Anyway it was the one that doesn't care about property values (unless they are deeply concerned that they bought a house just before the GFC like I did) and she has put me onto a service called "Moodgym" you can google it if you'd like, no Im not giving my permission, simply stating the fact.
The online assessments of my mood started out quite well but as I suspect they were beginning to trend toward aspects of my personality which I am not really concerned with; they became irrelevant in a short time. Not totally but just to one side or another on certain issues: an example, imagine a Likert Scale (take that Kari Dunn Buron) I sincerely hope you've been threatened with legal action for copyright of a tool in the public domain like I was, but I digress..
So an attitude scale with statements and some Agree to Disagree options.
Statement: If I do not have nice things I will consider myself a failure... Well I had to disagree but if the statement were "I am undeserving of nice things" or "I feel guilty for having nice things" then I'd have wholeheartedly agreed. So it'll be interesting to see how this thing works out. I was asked to write down my "stressors" but Im not very good with lists and I tend to lose them although the note for the benchtop dimensions in the kitchen is still synched to my phone (three generations later).
Maybe next test I'll need to write the alternative questions and then I can take the "anti-test"?
This stream of garbage has been inspired by Eddie Izzard. His voice is currently providing narration in my head.
Oh that was the other thing. Voices in heads.
I don't "hear voices" as in James Mason (or Eddie Izzard doing an impersonation of him) isn't audibly telling me to "go an buy all the finger buns at the bakery". But I do have an internal voice (some may say soul, spirit, conscience but I don't use such terms as I feel they may convince people that I believe in things which aren't) maybe internal narration is better or internal narration of low resonance thought (sounds like a thing). Anyway; at particularly low points in the year which strike at times of "stress" I do have this non auditory internal narration (some might say thought) which doesn't say to do things or people would be better off if..... but that I am the worst person in the world. If you read back to the end of 2015 you will find a very similar thread. I know they are irrational and non factual but there they are. I am working on ways of living with them like a housemate who walks around naked and cooks strange smelling food and doesn't wash dishes.
I.M
I have been to see a counsellor, is it counsellor or councillor? Sorry had to go and take the nose vacuum off the stove as it was about to boil over. Someone please make voice recognition software so that my hands don't have to keep up with my brain!
Anyway it was the one that doesn't care about property values (unless they are deeply concerned that they bought a house just before the GFC like I did) and she has put me onto a service called "Moodgym" you can google it if you'd like, no Im not giving my permission, simply stating the fact.
The online assessments of my mood started out quite well but as I suspect they were beginning to trend toward aspects of my personality which I am not really concerned with; they became irrelevant in a short time. Not totally but just to one side or another on certain issues: an example, imagine a Likert Scale (take that Kari Dunn Buron) I sincerely hope you've been threatened with legal action for copyright of a tool in the public domain like I was, but I digress..
So an attitude scale with statements and some Agree to Disagree options.
Statement: If I do not have nice things I will consider myself a failure... Well I had to disagree but if the statement were "I am undeserving of nice things" or "I feel guilty for having nice things" then I'd have wholeheartedly agreed. So it'll be interesting to see how this thing works out. I was asked to write down my "stressors" but Im not very good with lists and I tend to lose them although the note for the benchtop dimensions in the kitchen is still synched to my phone (three generations later).
Maybe next test I'll need to write the alternative questions and then I can take the "anti-test"?
This stream of garbage has been inspired by Eddie Izzard. His voice is currently providing narration in my head.
Oh that was the other thing. Voices in heads.
I don't "hear voices" as in James Mason (or Eddie Izzard doing an impersonation of him) isn't audibly telling me to "go an buy all the finger buns at the bakery". But I do have an internal voice (some may say soul, spirit, conscience but I don't use such terms as I feel they may convince people that I believe in things which aren't) maybe internal narration is better or internal narration of low resonance thought (sounds like a thing). Anyway; at particularly low points in the year which strike at times of "stress" I do have this non auditory internal narration (some might say thought) which doesn't say to do things or people would be better off if..... but that I am the worst person in the world. If you read back to the end of 2015 you will find a very similar thread. I know they are irrational and non factual but there they are. I am working on ways of living with them like a housemate who walks around naked and cooks strange smelling food and doesn't wash dishes.
I.M
Thursday, 14 September 2017
Technologically Me
I'm writing this a full 18 hours before I had planned to. As Diamond Dallas Page would say," self high five".
So there was an announcement yesterday about the latest tech from Apple. Two new iPhones, a new Apple Watch and a new, 4K Apple TV. I like all of them for a variety of reasons but in my time since becoming a "switcher" me reasons for liking anything that Apple does just becomes, " because you've been brainwashed and you'd buy a turd if they put their logo on it". Often my response is that I truly believe that Apple would capture the essence of said turd and make the best turd possible. I digress.
The announcement was quite moving. It opens to scenes from the new Apple Park campus built on the site of the former HP factory that Steve Jobs used to work in. The voiceover about people who want to make things that they love from the man himself was telling. I recalled his presentation for the "starship" as he called it back then. He was not long for the world and everyone could see. For anyone that had followed the company, this would be the last piece Steve Jobs' legacy to the company. I did well up because it was moving and joyous to see one final thing, the ultimate "one more thing".
"But why, do you not love your iPhone like you used to?" I hear you ask. It's really simple. I was given an iPhone in 2009 by my (now) wife. It was such a joy and a revelation. I was having some health problems (I don't hide behind thinking in an awkwardly 'Jobsian' way that we shared something in common there) I was able to be connected at a time where I would have been otherwise disconnected. I browsed the web while stuck in the toilet for hours (often overnight) before trying to go to work. I could send pictures, check email and play games to pass the time. I even was allowed to listen to music during a particularly painful medical procedure where an anaesthetic was not an option. To this day, the song I listened to during the main part of the procedure takes me back there, the fear, pain, anger, and the feeling of wanting to give up and then not.
It's 2017 now and this is three iPhones later, what has changed? The nature of my connectedness has. in 2009 I chose to be connected and now in 2017 I love to do things on my phone but I am a parent and want to do other things. My phone routinely buzzes in the early hours of the morning with work related email. I receive app messages from parents out of hours and weekends. I am requested to email people back immediately and am bound to do so because I am connected constantly. The use of my joyous device has been snatched away from me and turned into another productivity tool. That's why I love my iPhone less now. If I were to go and buy another phone, it would be another iPhone, no brainer at all.
I dont want to get into the debate which verges on religious about Google vs Apple as it often boils down to specs and numbers. If I were interested in specs and price tags I'd be an PC owning Android user. I'm not, I gave that up because it made my life needlessly complicated. I like hardware and software that works. Maybe in due course I will put my reasons down in digital ink and then people with a contrary opinion can comment and try to convince me otherwise. Here's my rebuttal, if your life depended on it, do you let cost weigh in on picking a heart surgeon? I'm comfortable with my preference.
https://www.apple.com/apple-events/september-2017/
So there was an announcement yesterday about the latest tech from Apple. Two new iPhones, a new Apple Watch and a new, 4K Apple TV. I like all of them for a variety of reasons but in my time since becoming a "switcher" me reasons for liking anything that Apple does just becomes, " because you've been brainwashed and you'd buy a turd if they put their logo on it". Often my response is that I truly believe that Apple would capture the essence of said turd and make the best turd possible. I digress.
The announcement was quite moving. It opens to scenes from the new Apple Park campus built on the site of the former HP factory that Steve Jobs used to work in. The voiceover about people who want to make things that they love from the man himself was telling. I recalled his presentation for the "starship" as he called it back then. He was not long for the world and everyone could see. For anyone that had followed the company, this would be the last piece Steve Jobs' legacy to the company. I did well up because it was moving and joyous to see one final thing, the ultimate "one more thing".
"But why, do you not love your iPhone like you used to?" I hear you ask. It's really simple. I was given an iPhone in 2009 by my (now) wife. It was such a joy and a revelation. I was having some health problems (I don't hide behind thinking in an awkwardly 'Jobsian' way that we shared something in common there) I was able to be connected at a time where I would have been otherwise disconnected. I browsed the web while stuck in the toilet for hours (often overnight) before trying to go to work. I could send pictures, check email and play games to pass the time. I even was allowed to listen to music during a particularly painful medical procedure where an anaesthetic was not an option. To this day, the song I listened to during the main part of the procedure takes me back there, the fear, pain, anger, and the feeling of wanting to give up and then not.
It's 2017 now and this is three iPhones later, what has changed? The nature of my connectedness has. in 2009 I chose to be connected and now in 2017 I love to do things on my phone but I am a parent and want to do other things. My phone routinely buzzes in the early hours of the morning with work related email. I receive app messages from parents out of hours and weekends. I am requested to email people back immediately and am bound to do so because I am connected constantly. The use of my joyous device has been snatched away from me and turned into another productivity tool. That's why I love my iPhone less now. If I were to go and buy another phone, it would be another iPhone, no brainer at all.
I dont want to get into the debate which verges on religious about Google vs Apple as it often boils down to specs and numbers. If I were interested in specs and price tags I'd be an PC owning Android user. I'm not, I gave that up because it made my life needlessly complicated. I like hardware and software that works. Maybe in due course I will put my reasons down in digital ink and then people with a contrary opinion can comment and try to convince me otherwise. Here's my rebuttal, if your life depended on it, do you let cost weigh in on picking a heart surgeon? I'm comfortable with my preference.
https://www.apple.com/apple-events/september-2017/
Wednesday, 5 July 2017
Traumatically Me
Trauma Consistent Behaviour. Sounds imposing doesn't it?
In 2017 it was decided for me that I needed to learn about the above and how it impacts my practices and in turn the outcomes of my students. I shall at no time mention behaviours or students specifically and endeavour to address "challenging behaviours" as just that.
So what do I understand TCB to be (other than sounding like a small accounting firm)? It seems to be any behaviour exhibited by an individual which is consistent with the behaviours of an individual who has suffered a severe trauma. I have engaged with colleagues and family (as hummer is a good defence mechanism) that anytime something is untoward or wrong "it's trauma". Essentially it means damage. Think of ER "car crash victim suffering head and abdominal trauma" damaged head and abdomen.
So why are so many people damaged now compared with before? It's like asking why so many children are being diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum or ADHD. There aren't magically lots of kids like this because they've just happened. "But back in my day there was no such thing, it was just naughty kids that needed a smack". Exactly, that's my point, people have been like this for ages, its just now we have clinical terms and a greater understanding of what is going on for them. (And ask any POW if systemic and ongoing abuse didn't help them to two the line better, does it make mistreating children ok suddenly? NO).
So it doesn't mean the classrooms of the world are full of children so terribly traumatised that they cant function without a soft toy and a bottle of Prozac. It means that there are children in classrooms all over the world that exhibit behaviours that are strikingly similar to those of people who have suffered significant trauma in their lifetime. You don't need to have served in Iraq or Afghanistan to have suffered trauma in your life. Think about it and you will probably come up with one time you suffered a trauma in your life: car accident, assault, break in, illness, loss of a loved one, grief at a young age, abandonment (or the feeling of it)? Like any injury its severity can be very individualised and we aren't really able to judge the seriousness of other's compared to our own. That's why things are not as intimidating to some as they are to others.
So what behaviours should I be looking for? It's really irresponsible for me to actually tell anyone what they should look for as a rule because I'd be painting myself as an expert, I am not. If you're interested in getting educated then check out the Australian Childhood Foundation and their SMART training.
http://www.childhood.org.au/for-professionals/smart-online-training
Made by real experts. As with all things, knowledge is power and understanding. Think of how much your life would improve if people were a little more understanding.
I.M
In 2017 it was decided for me that I needed to learn about the above and how it impacts my practices and in turn the outcomes of my students. I shall at no time mention behaviours or students specifically and endeavour to address "challenging behaviours" as just that.
So what do I understand TCB to be (other than sounding like a small accounting firm)? It seems to be any behaviour exhibited by an individual which is consistent with the behaviours of an individual who has suffered a severe trauma. I have engaged with colleagues and family (as hummer is a good defence mechanism) that anytime something is untoward or wrong "it's trauma". Essentially it means damage. Think of ER "car crash victim suffering head and abdominal trauma" damaged head and abdomen.
So why are so many people damaged now compared with before? It's like asking why so many children are being diagnosed as being on the Autism Spectrum or ADHD. There aren't magically lots of kids like this because they've just happened. "But back in my day there was no such thing, it was just naughty kids that needed a smack". Exactly, that's my point, people have been like this for ages, its just now we have clinical terms and a greater understanding of what is going on for them. (And ask any POW if systemic and ongoing abuse didn't help them to two the line better, does it make mistreating children ok suddenly? NO).
So it doesn't mean the classrooms of the world are full of children so terribly traumatised that they cant function without a soft toy and a bottle of Prozac. It means that there are children in classrooms all over the world that exhibit behaviours that are strikingly similar to those of people who have suffered significant trauma in their lifetime. You don't need to have served in Iraq or Afghanistan to have suffered trauma in your life. Think about it and you will probably come up with one time you suffered a trauma in your life: car accident, assault, break in, illness, loss of a loved one, grief at a young age, abandonment (or the feeling of it)? Like any injury its severity can be very individualised and we aren't really able to judge the seriousness of other's compared to our own. That's why things are not as intimidating to some as they are to others.
So what behaviours should I be looking for? It's really irresponsible for me to actually tell anyone what they should look for as a rule because I'd be painting myself as an expert, I am not. If you're interested in getting educated then check out the Australian Childhood Foundation and their SMART training.
http://www.childhood.org.au/for-professionals/smart-online-training
Made by real experts. As with all things, knowledge is power and understanding. Think of how much your life would improve if people were a little more understanding.
I.M
Monday, 17 April 2017
Consciously and Angrily Me
One day I will surprise people by actually retiring from basketball. Today is not that day and again I have paid a few dollars over the registration fee (in a hope that: A, they will like me and find a way to filter some MVP votes my way, or B, that the day I do retire I will just assume ownership of the club having paid for it with the extra funds).
Sad news to hear of anyone whom is diagnosed with a chronic, degenerative or terminal illness. Terry Jones has dementia, but with a difference. His cognitive abilities are less affected adversely but his ability to use language has deteriorated to the point he can no longer speak or write more than a few words. He can understand but not respond. Imagine not being able to tell a dickhead what you think of them.
I hope he had time to get adequately angry in relation to his diagnosis. One of my regrets in regard to my own diagnosis was to try and rush through the seven stages (they're real) in 12 hours to prepare for the follow through of the decision which saved but also drastically altered my life. I wish I'd spent more time at anger.
I was told at 8 o'clock in the morning that surgery was my last option and it had to be done fast, the medications weren't working and I was going to be taken off them. I was sent a counsellor and then my family. I didn't want to be angry at them, they were meant to be there for fear, bargaining, denial and acceptance. Where was I supposed to put my anger? I had 30 minutes between hearing the news and the counsellor arriving. 30 bloody minutes to be angry.
Anyway, please don't neglect your anger. It is an important part of the process and of you making the best of what and who you have. If you go through the stages, be as angry as you can for as long as you can. It's the first time you'll have the justification to be angry.
Sad news to hear of anyone whom is diagnosed with a chronic, degenerative or terminal illness. Terry Jones has dementia, but with a difference. His cognitive abilities are less affected adversely but his ability to use language has deteriorated to the point he can no longer speak or write more than a few words. He can understand but not respond. Imagine not being able to tell a dickhead what you think of them.
I hope he had time to get adequately angry in relation to his diagnosis. One of my regrets in regard to my own diagnosis was to try and rush through the seven stages (they're real) in 12 hours to prepare for the follow through of the decision which saved but also drastically altered my life. I wish I'd spent more time at anger.
I was told at 8 o'clock in the morning that surgery was my last option and it had to be done fast, the medications weren't working and I was going to be taken off them. I was sent a counsellor and then my family. I didn't want to be angry at them, they were meant to be there for fear, bargaining, denial and acceptance. Where was I supposed to put my anger? I had 30 minutes between hearing the news and the counsellor arriving. 30 bloody minutes to be angry.
Anyway, please don't neglect your anger. It is an important part of the process and of you making the best of what and who you have. If you go through the stages, be as angry as you can for as long as you can. It's the first time you'll have the justification to be angry.
Wednesday, 15 March 2017
Reflectable Me
I moved to Adelaide and lived at Aquinas College. I lost loads of weight despite drinking (there were other factors) and to overcome or avoid socially awkward interactions I lifted weights and shot hoops whenever I wasn't asleep or in class. I didn't make the college roster for the Hightable Cup and I was so incensed that I took the list off the pinboard and used it as toilet paper. My second year in Adelaide I'd gotten into reasonable shape that I got an invite from someone that on the court I'd always looked up to. I joined a team called the X Ys and played in a stadium in the eastern burbs.
It rekindled my love and addiction to playing (I had developed a decent shot in my off season's workouts and could comfortably contribute 5-10 points per game which is handy when the team scores 30 or so.
I left Aquinas after my second year of not making them team and the second year of wiping my ass with the team list (there was a further controversy that I wont go into). My free ride with the XYs had evaporated as the person who asked if I'd like a game had left town. I moved to Flinders as I was studying there and really threw myself at the court to try and make connections with people. I didn't go through the "fresher" stuff again because I was two years removed from the hazing stage and people just thought I was coping really well with the booze (little did they know).
I made the inter college team every year (we were terrible) I got to play against Aquinas and it was great to hear some old friends from out north cheering when I scored against the Aquinian defense and shouting my name. I also had access to an indoor gym and a court that could be used up to 10pm. I made some friends playing and had a few games on the back court which I will fondly remember.
Joining the Flinders Uni Phantoms in a social capacity at first, I began going to the en masse Sunday training sessions from 10am-1pm. They were brutal and I ran until I threw up regularly. Some players were invited to join the main group scrimmages and to my shock I wasn't sent to the sides to shoot with the social guys, I was given a purple jersey and had to mix it up against the "real players". It seemed at the time to be the first acknowledgement that I had any form of ability on a basketball court.
The weekly schedule was :
Monday- Flinders social - Marion
Tuesday- District Div 3 (all over Adelaide to feel like a pro) weight session at 2pm
Wednesday-Social Noarlunga
Thursday - Div 3 Training Sturt Campus 2 hours
Friday - Drinking and Pizza
Saturday - Sleep and Study
Sunday - Combined Training 3 hours
I could add if it were a school holiday that I'd occasionally wind up back in Whyalla playing for a local team as a player who was probably on night shift and unable to play (I played under a few names).
Upon my return home I took the first offer to play and it was from a rival team that gave me a chance (again not through ability but circumstance). It was odd, I wasn't good enough to play for a team that my friends played on but in Adelaide I was playing 3 games per week. I was in the best shape of my life and at the peak of my abilities. I was also at the point where I'd realised and accepted that I would never be "the guy" on any team. Oddly enough, as a role player my team beat the one I wasn't god enough to play for in the grand final to add my first piece of senior basketball silverware.
Winning is one thing and being a part of a team is another and those things don't necessarily go hand in hand. I switched teams and played for a club I'd always wanted to play for, with some people that I'd wanted to play with. It was a very rude awakening to find out that just because you might have been a handy player once, if you're on a terrible team with no chemistry, you will have a rough season.
2009-2010 I was forced out becuase I couldn't play with an ileostomy appliance for insurance reasons. Part of the reason my shooting shirt says NOCOLONSTILLBALLIN.
The desire to play has never left completely but I'm finding myself not moving planets into alignment to be able to play like I used to. The current team is a great bunch of blokes and each season I wonder if I should call my time to an end. We have a final (tonight now) and if the result doesn't go the right way I'll be having that awkward time around my birthday to think about what I should do.
Will the guys tell me that they'd like me they'd like to bring in someone else?
"We cant play with 9 that's too many" sort of deal.
We seem to be in a phase of "who's up to go around again?" The addict in me will always say yes to such things.
I.M
Friday, 3 March 2017
Lamentable Me
Good morning, its bloody early. I'm up as my son's compass is buggered and its better for my back. We're off away to the big smoke after a long week. Union conference, catch up with family and squeezing in as much as possible to get home and do it all again.
This week was unbelievably hard for me. I know that because I caught myself saying "I miss drinking". I don't think I ever had a booze problem, on the contrary, I was quite good at it. So what was it exactly that I missed? Don't I have other things to give my oodles of free time to? Of course, in fact I have too many of those things.
Basketball; I loved it when I first started playing it and I wish after all this time I was better. The biggest compliment I have had in my playing life is instead of teammates telling me all the things I'm doing wrong is that they're pleading with me to back myself and trust what I can do. Dalek building and general pottering in the shed. There are many projects ahead and the eventual YouTube channel I've often threatened to start. Family of course, playing with child, cuddling wife and walking the poodle. More work; the drug of choice for many who are addicted to workahol. The trouble with them is that they can't relate to those of us who aren't addicted ourselves.
All of the above could be taking up my time but there's something in common with all of those that booze doesn't carry, which made it seem awfully appealing yesterday afternoon. Caring. All of those things, sport, hobbies, family, they all involve a level of giving a toss. After the week I had (acknowledging that I'm a whiner) the idea of doing something that involved not caring seemed very appealing.
Teaching is an emotionally taxing profession. I loved the line from Jerry Maguire and quote it often in relation to teaching when I say, "it's an up-at-dawn, pride swallowing siege that I can never fully tell you about". I don't hate teaching but the idea of having a break from the mental fatigue that comes with the job is looking better every day. I don't quite have enough leave as I've cashed in long service twice. Once for a new hot water service and once to buy Mum a car. It's now getting harder to comprehend feeling this way consistently for the next three years for leave to accumulate and for our son to be old enough to travel anywhere significant.
All jobs that people care about are draining. Some call it challenging or stimulating, essentially they provide enough of a problem to make it interesting enough to not drive into the oncoming lane off traffic on a Monday morning. I've learned that you cant be precious about your work (the planning) kids are allowed to dislike it. What drains me is the days where the teaching hat is not worn at all because other hats are demanded by circumstance, first aid, correctional officer, cleaner, therapist, motivational speaker, IT technician and after all those hats have been worn and you're ready to get back to work the bell rings. When someone says "I don't care about this job" I think people should interpret "I care deeply, I'm tired and I need someone to take over". People might be thinking this is a cry for help from me and it isn't. An educational facility's answer to my situation is to provide me with meetings with leaders who can give me strategies......more work, more caring. This does not ease the burden for the humble chalkie.
So I'm taking this mini break to get away, attend a union conference and spend some time with my father and my wife's family too. I dare say a trip or two to a hardware store to stock up on dalek building tools/ materials might be in order too. I won't go back to booze, but I think I can lament the abrupt end of our relationship. It was nice to do something and not care.
I.M
This week was unbelievably hard for me. I know that because I caught myself saying "I miss drinking". I don't think I ever had a booze problem, on the contrary, I was quite good at it. So what was it exactly that I missed? Don't I have other things to give my oodles of free time to? Of course, in fact I have too many of those things.
Basketball; I loved it when I first started playing it and I wish after all this time I was better. The biggest compliment I have had in my playing life is instead of teammates telling me all the things I'm doing wrong is that they're pleading with me to back myself and trust what I can do. Dalek building and general pottering in the shed. There are many projects ahead and the eventual YouTube channel I've often threatened to start. Family of course, playing with child, cuddling wife and walking the poodle. More work; the drug of choice for many who are addicted to workahol. The trouble with them is that they can't relate to those of us who aren't addicted ourselves.
All of the above could be taking up my time but there's something in common with all of those that booze doesn't carry, which made it seem awfully appealing yesterday afternoon. Caring. All of those things, sport, hobbies, family, they all involve a level of giving a toss. After the week I had (acknowledging that I'm a whiner) the idea of doing something that involved not caring seemed very appealing.
Teaching is an emotionally taxing profession. I loved the line from Jerry Maguire and quote it often in relation to teaching when I say, "it's an up-at-dawn, pride swallowing siege that I can never fully tell you about". I don't hate teaching but the idea of having a break from the mental fatigue that comes with the job is looking better every day. I don't quite have enough leave as I've cashed in long service twice. Once for a new hot water service and once to buy Mum a car. It's now getting harder to comprehend feeling this way consistently for the next three years for leave to accumulate and for our son to be old enough to travel anywhere significant.
All jobs that people care about are draining. Some call it challenging or stimulating, essentially they provide enough of a problem to make it interesting enough to not drive into the oncoming lane off traffic on a Monday morning. I've learned that you cant be precious about your work (the planning) kids are allowed to dislike it. What drains me is the days where the teaching hat is not worn at all because other hats are demanded by circumstance, first aid, correctional officer, cleaner, therapist, motivational speaker, IT technician and after all those hats have been worn and you're ready to get back to work the bell rings. When someone says "I don't care about this job" I think people should interpret "I care deeply, I'm tired and I need someone to take over". People might be thinking this is a cry for help from me and it isn't. An educational facility's answer to my situation is to provide me with meetings with leaders who can give me strategies......more work, more caring. This does not ease the burden for the humble chalkie.
So I'm taking this mini break to get away, attend a union conference and spend some time with my father and my wife's family too. I dare say a trip or two to a hardware store to stock up on dalek building tools/ materials might be in order too. I won't go back to booze, but I think I can lament the abrupt end of our relationship. It was nice to do something and not care.
I.M
Tuesday, 28 February 2017
Older Me
It's March. Bugger. Goal again for the year to not become a miserable, moaning sulk by the end of it. Prognosis isn't good however.
For someone who is uncomfortable in life in general (almost) birthdays must be a total pain in the arse. Correct me if I'm wrong. I never feel that kindness or courtesy toward me is deserved so when the old bday rolls around its immediately a day where people are forced to be nice to you and you have to pretend that its unusual. Cards with classic convertibles or motorbikes that look like bloody three piece suites on wheels. Email offers exclusively for you and the other thousands of you who happen to be born on the same day because these companies who've mined your data think you have no concept of statistics or big numbers. No I don't ned a penis enhancement pump, I'm perfectly happy with the one I have (sorry its Tim Minchin's bit, but read the blog title).
So You (whoever might be reading) will probably find my mood declining as the month wears on. It's a nice, steady and sustained drop in happiness that lasts all month due to my birthday being at the end. Hurrah.
I.M
For someone who is uncomfortable in life in general (almost) birthdays must be a total pain in the arse. Correct me if I'm wrong. I never feel that kindness or courtesy toward me is deserved so when the old bday rolls around its immediately a day where people are forced to be nice to you and you have to pretend that its unusual. Cards with classic convertibles or motorbikes that look like bloody three piece suites on wheels. Email offers exclusively for you and the other thousands of you who happen to be born on the same day because these companies who've mined your data think you have no concept of statistics or big numbers. No I don't ned a penis enhancement pump, I'm perfectly happy with the one I have (sorry its Tim Minchin's bit, but read the blog title).
So You (whoever might be reading) will probably find my mood declining as the month wears on. It's a nice, steady and sustained drop in happiness that lasts all month due to my birthday being at the end. Hurrah.
I.M
Uncomfortably Me
It's difficult to not begin a post with "I", very difficult. It's my blog surely I should be able to start it however the hell I want. Herein lies the problem, when I say "the" it should read "my" problem. The issue is quite simple and the reason I blog in the first place. My blog is written by someone who still isn't comfortable in his own skin. Someone asked me at work what my blog was about? I had no idea it needed some kind of meta narrative (it worked for Seinfeld, but I never found it funny). My blog is the distillation of a small amount of ramblings that rattle around in my head and then are vomited onto the page via keyboard and are framed in the views of a person who struggles to feel comfortable in almost all aspects (there are one or two which don't apply) of my life.
There, sure that makes for a great plug to increase readership. Happy that nobody has commented yet.
I.M
There, sure that makes for a great plug to increase readership. Happy that nobody has commented yet.
I.M
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