Depressive Me

With 1 in 8 men experiencing depression its not surprising that I am one of them.  Im also one of the lucky ones in many respects.  I have a mild variety and I have the financial stability to get help.  Depression comes in different strengths that last for different periods, so its like beer.

Mine essentially means fluctuating moods that sit within a predictable pattern (for me 2-4 weeks at a time) I can be very upbeat, almost hypomanic and within 24 hours think of myself in the best possible light as an utter c**t.  Please no fawning over "oh I really think you're terrific" because my head doesnt read those as being genuine.  In my head people say nice things out of pity on account of me being a c**t (see how this works).

During my "up" time Im quite indifferent to myself (have never been positive about me).  The "downs" can come on quite quickly or can be managed quite well until something brings the whole show down.  Stress and conflict arent good for anyone with mental health issues.  Teaching is not a wise career choice (guess at some point I was a dumn c**t).

Treatment is available and my psychologist (Cate) is wonderfully helpful. She is 400km away though.  Consults over the phone are available but at $170 per pop I really need to be at a crisis point to have one, plus there aren't many private spaces to have that kind of ohone call in my life.

Its quite hard to pick when the "down" starts.  Normally its easier to see after coming out of such an experience and counting back the events which are always clearer in hindsight. As far as treating it goes, its bad enough that people notice it, but not bad enough that I consider self harming at all.  As I said I just feel like a c**t. 

My reaction usually involves two options:

1. Distraction: do something, anything, engaging enough to ride it out while interacting with as few people as possible. Shop on ebay, build something, paint something, get work done, organise drawers, detail the car, mow lawns.

2. Change: do whatever convluted thing I can think of to make myself into a better person (less of a c**t) or to be someone else, give posessions away, buy new clothes, cut hair off, distabce myself from activities I enjoy, skip meals or engage in activities that will stress my body out to the point of braking: saying 'yes' to extra yard duty, volunteering to do things, work through breaks, drink too much coffee. Anything that can be seen as punishing myself foe being a total c**t and hopefully make me less of one.

When I read about people who've died from mental illness Im not scared Ill do that same at all.  I can empathise with the mask.  I only have to do it in 14-28 day increments.  Imagine doing that for years at a time. It's exhausting.  Since my bowel resection I have not selpt properly in 10 years. I think I bottomed ut today so I must have anywhere from a week to two weeks before I'll be very happy.

The only advice I can give is what I'd like others to do in regard to my state and I've already mentioned it.  Don't fawn over someone depressed, it can come acress (granted unintentionally, but they're doubtful in a place to make that distinction) as patronising and false.  Ask them how they're doing and have a regular conversation.  I dont strive to feel "special". My aim is "normal, average, proficient" (one for the teachers).

I.M

Technologically Me

I'm writing this a full 18 hours before I had planned to.  As Diamond Dallas Page would say," self high five".

So there was an announcement yesterday about the latest tech from Apple.  Two new iPhones, a new Apple Watch and a new, 4K Apple TV.  I like all of them for a variety of reasons  but in my time since becoming a "switcher" me reasons for liking anything that Apple does just becomes, " because you've been brainwashed and you'd buy a turd if they put their logo on it".  Often my response is that I truly believe that Apple would capture the essence of said turd and make the best turd possible. I digress.

The announcement was quite moving.  It opens to scenes from the new Apple Park campus built on the site of the former HP factory that Steve Jobs used to work in.  The voiceover about people who want to make things that they love from the man himself was telling.  I recalled his presentation for the "starship" as he called it back then.  He was not long for the world and everyone could see.  For anyone that had followed the company, this would be the last piece Steve Jobs' legacy to the company.  I did well up because it was moving and joyous to see one final thing, the ultimate "one more thing".

"But why, do you not love your iPhone like you used to?" I hear you ask.  It's really simple.  I was given an iPhone in 2009 by my (now) wife.  It was such a joy and a revelation.  I was having some health problems (I don't hide behind thinking in an awkwardly 'Jobsian' way that we shared something in common there) I was able to be connected at a time where I would have been otherwise disconnected.  I browsed the web while stuck in the toilet for hours (often overnight) before trying to go to work.  I could send pictures, check email and play games to pass the time.  I even was allowed to listen to music during a particularly painful medical procedure where an anaesthetic was not an option.  To this day, the song I listened to during the main part of the procedure takes me back there, the fear, pain, anger, and the feeling of wanting to give up and then not.

It's 2017 now and this is three iPhones later, what has changed? The nature of my connectedness has. in 2009 I chose to be connected and now in 2017 I love to do things on my phone but I am a parent and want to do other things.  My phone routinely buzzes in the early hours of the morning with work related email.  I receive app messages from parents out of hours and weekends.  I am requested to email people back immediately and am bound to do so because I am connected constantly.  The use of my joyous device has been snatched away from me and turned into another productivity tool.  That's why I love my iPhone less now.  If I were to go and buy another phone, it would be another iPhone, no brainer at all.

I dont want to get into the debate which verges on religious about Google vs Apple as it often boils down to specs and numbers.  If I were interested in specs and price tags I'd be an PC owning Android user.  I'm not, I gave that up because it made my life needlessly complicated.  I like hardware and software that works.  Maybe in due course I will put my reasons down in digital ink and then people with a contrary opinion can comment and try to convince me otherwise.  Here's my rebuttal, if your life depended on it, do you let cost weigh in on picking a heart surgeon? I'm comfortable with my preference.

https://www.apple.com/apple-events/september-2017/