With 1 in 8 men experiencing depression its not surprising that I am one of them. Im also one of the lucky ones in many respects. I have a mild variety and I have the financial stability to get help. Depression comes in different strengths that last for different periods, so its like beer.
Mine essentially means fluctuating moods that sit within a predictable pattern (for me 2-4 weeks at a time) I can be very upbeat, almost hypomanic and within 24 hours think of myself in the best possible light as an utter c**t. Please no fawning over "oh I really think you're terrific" because my head doesnt read those as being genuine. In my head people say nice things out of pity on account of me being a c**t (see how this works).
During my "up" time Im quite indifferent to myself (have never been positive about me). The "downs" can come on quite quickly or can be managed quite well until something brings the whole show down. Stress and conflict arent good for anyone with mental health issues. Teaching is not a wise career choice (guess at some point I was a dumn c**t).
Treatment is available and my psychologist (Cate) is wonderfully helpful. She is 400km away though. Consults over the phone are available but at $170 per pop I really need to be at a crisis point to have one, plus there aren't many private spaces to have that kind of ohone call in my life.
Its quite hard to pick when the "down" starts. Normally its easier to see after coming out of such an experience and counting back the events which are always clearer in hindsight. As far as treating it goes, its bad enough that people notice it, but not bad enough that I consider self harming at all. As I said I just feel like a c**t.
My reaction usually involves two options:
1. Distraction: do something, anything, engaging enough to ride it out while interacting with as few people as possible. Shop on ebay, build something, paint something, get work done, organise drawers, detail the car, mow lawns.
2. Change: do whatever convluted thing I can think of to make myself into a better person (less of a c**t) or to be someone else, give posessions away, buy new clothes, cut hair off, distabce myself from activities I enjoy, skip meals or engage in activities that will stress my body out to the point of braking: saying 'yes' to extra yard duty, volunteering to do things, work through breaks, drink too much coffee. Anything that can be seen as punishing myself foe being a total c**t and hopefully make me less of one.
When I read about people who've died from mental illness Im not scared Ill do that same at all. I can empathise with the mask. I only have to do it in 14-28 day increments. Imagine doing that for years at a time. It's exhausting. Since my bowel resection I have not selpt properly in 10 years. I think I bottomed ut today so I must have anywhere from a week to two weeks before I'll be very happy.
The only advice I can give is what I'd like others to do in regard to my state and I've already mentioned it. Don't fawn over someone depressed, it can come acress (granted unintentionally, but they're doubtful in a place to make that distinction) as patronising and false. Ask them how they're doing and have a regular conversation. I dont strive to feel "special". My aim is "normal, average, proficient" (one for the teachers).
I.M
