Doubtable me

I'm a compliment fisher. I am a serial compliment fisher. I feel bad about it but I don't think I can stop. 

The reason I can't stop is the same reason I haven't slept well for the past few weeks. Not our two year old. I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts. I don't hear voices or think I can talk to plants. 

I do have recurring thoughts about how horrible a person I am. How can people find me nice? Why do people think I'm good at my job? How could someone love me? Why would these people want to talk to me?

It's been hard living like this. It isn't constant and I know that things will improve. 

I fish for compliments almost as a test of how genuine people are. Tell me a positive and I'll probably fish for a compliment to see if you really meant what you just said. It's weird and convoluted and makes perfect sense in my head (where at the moment it's a crap place to be). 

Why negative. My childhood wasn't bad. What could be bad about growing up as an overweight, sickly, asthmatic, non footballer, non cricketer who watches Doctor Who in regional south Australia?

Other than all of that last question. One day I'll be able to hear "you're looking good" and know it isn't the same as the "you're looking good", in high school. 

I want to live my life and not spend my time on earth complaining about mine. I need to find a way to grow out of this thought process.  But that seems like me trying to make my hair grow longer by force of will. I'm not sure it can be done. 

Impatient Me

I have many failings but one of my biggest is my impatience.  Bad news for someone supposedly at an 80% risk of being killed by cancer.  At this rate it would appear that stress is more likely.  I’m finding myself having one of those days where I’d prefer to not be at work or at home.  On the drive home I was tempted to knock on doors and ask if the occupants would like help around the house: digging holes, changing bulbs, cleaning toilets, quite literally anything.

It’s strange how I promised myself a year ago that I wouldn’t be in this space again and one year on, here I am.  Something that people don’t let you know about being grown up and having responsibilities is that the sea of “things” is unending.  I’ve always described teaching in Jerry Maguire’s words of being, “an up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I can never fully tell you about”.  Some people are skilled enough to navigate the needs of that job and manage the sea of stuff that is life too.

For some reason I’ve been kidding myself into thinking that I am one of those people.  Psyching myself up to believe that I can deliver interesting lessons, write reports, update plans, build the gym, finish the dalek, go to events, raise money for charity, attend church functions, play sport, BE A FATHER!!! Be a husband, pay bills, take meds, check homework, mediate “issues”, shop for Christmas, wash the car, book in the family wagon to have a break service, try to save money by ordering the parts online, check the VIN plate to make sure I order the right parts, make it line up with a pay week, exercise, better yourself, register your PD, fix that trailer for the dalek, mow and fertilise the lawn, weed the front yard, help organise the garage sale, buy more mouse traps, walk Billy more, get down to 75kg, try and waterproof the shed, get rid of the half done roller door, put up new gates, paint the last part of the outside of the house, put bark chips in the front yard, write that reflection that will earn you money next year, blog, get those YouTube videos done.

I haven’t used an “and” there because it means that immediately after will be the final thing on the list, I’ve just run out of the things that are currently buzzing around in my head; well apart from today’s elephant in the room, we’re moving. Really? When? At what point was I not offered a seat on the committee that decided this rather large ‘minor detail’ in my life because I feel as if it’s something that would have been weighed up for a few days at least.

I get (accept) that may of the things on the list are my choice and I can opt out of them at any time.  I also don’t like to disappoint my loved ones (maybe that comes with learning to be a husband and dad).  I fully accept that I have some help at my disposal but my plans shouldn’t be other’s plans, they didn’t ask to be a part of them and probably have a list like this or bigger to do themselves.  I hate half finished things and I can’t sit still.

If, IF..I sit down to watch television, I’m hungry, I’ve been working while medicated and they’ve worn off so when I eat I’ll need to visit the loo 15 times a night.  I haven’t watched the Dr Who series I got for my birthday past episode 5.  Plus I never finished the last one.  I shouldn’t say “I wish” but it would seem that I really need a more focussed and blinkered life.  One of my best friends told me that when I became a dad I’d wonder what I used to do with all my time.  Mum’s have it bad too and I am not trying to play the “poor man” card.  I already do not drink, smoke or gamble (the socially accepted hobbies).  I don’t do recreational drugs (slightly less socially acceptable but not outside the zeitgeist.

There will be some Holiday time approaching at Christmas/New Year and even though it’s a month away its fast booking up with things.  I think I’d better face facts that if I want to complete the list I need to know that the list will only ever be completed when I stop caring about things and therefore stop doing them.  My problem isn’t really considered a problem in broad terms but maybe this ambition and drive to complete projects is the “manic” side.  The corresponding “up” to the “down” that I’ve been experiencing.  It has gotten worse since my illness, since my realisation that my life will be short and trying to cram as much success (as I seem to define it) into the time that I am on earth. From my own admission its likely that if I do get terminally ill I’ll be quite impatient about it.

I.M

Electable Me

While I'm waiting for a rodent to be killed violently I may as well write about the elephant in the room.  I've been swearing off commenting on the USA's election via Facebook, but we're here so get used to it.  Like many, I listened to the mainstream media and I'm now stunned that there will be a President Trump leading the free world.  If his policies are to be believed the rest of the world may not have much to worry about as he's only really looking out for the USA.

If the modern political sphere is anything to go by, there will be a Trump administration for at least 8 years too.  Yes his policies seem to go against every fibre of my being.  Yes, he seems to have promised the world and is now trying to back pedal as much as possible.  Yes, I posted the George Carlin quote, "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers".  Please world remember this, we've been here before.

As much as I hate to admit it, seemingly unpopular, right wing governments were the norm in Australia in the mid 90's through to 2007.  I hated all that Jon Howard (ex PM) was and stood for.  I campaigned for Mark Latham over JH!  When someone from Australia steps back and takes a moment to ponder the reason why a person like Mr Trump is elected, it can defy belief.  Then a person like me switches their stereotype headset on (even though the iPhone 7 has no headphone socket) and it does make some sense. Large numbers of previously employed, a majority Christian population, a majority of those Christians being quite conservative, the people who aspire to have excess, the people who consider themselves "self made men" like Trump is perceived to be (not the reality).

It didn't happen in Australia until successive unpopular governments were elected.  This gave a particular politician (who we really only knew from his part on national breakfast TV) the opportunity to ride a wave of disgruntled right wing and highly hopeful lefty superhero status to the Lodge in Canberra.  Ask most people in that cabinet how things worked between Kevin07 and 2010 and one word that comes up is "shambolic".  It led to Kevin Rudd being removed before then end of his first term.

The portrayal of Mr Trump ( I hope) is only a portrayal of him if that makes sense.  The Jon Howard I met in 2005 (toward the end of his empire, and having staved off many challenges from Peter Costello at the time) wasn't the angry man slapping the podium I thought he would be.  He was quiet, charming, dunking scotch fingers and talking to people about cricket.

 I hope anyone living in the USA knows that the elections there are portrayed in Australia as a caricatured pissing contest.  More like kids vying for SRC (class president) than actual President (All the way with Stephanie K).  All I can say for my friends (maybe friend) reading this in the USA is I hope the country's experience with President-elect Trump will be no worse than our Kevin07 experience.  I hope the depiction of his persona is just that.  That one day you'll speak to him in a community club somewhere and realise he's probably a perfectly nice guy (as long as you don't discuss politics).

I.M

Manual- Labor-able......? Me?

I never listened too carefully to the people who told me that one day I'd wake up and realise it was a little harder to get out of bed, or a little more effort would be needed to get to items on lower shelves in shops etc.  That one day I'd find myself.....old.

This is my body and I live in it, its thirty three and sixteen months old.  It's changed a lot since it was new, its done stuff it wasn't built to do and now it resembles something from a Top Gear challenge (middle top gear, new TG's challenge is to find someone to watch) or an episode of Mighty Car Mods.  It seems to have changed so dramatically that I cant remember what it was like to do things that may body was built to do. Although last night I think I got a taste of what it must've been like to live with me in my Northern Adelaide days.

So, I'm ageing, who cares? Plenty more fuel in the tank, haven't even had my second wind yet.  Or have I?  This is what's been eating away at me and I feel remarkably stupid about it.  Here I am 5 days before more surgery (and NO it isn't bloody cancer) The rumour mill went bonkers about that one last year.

So the background in brief.  Last year a 'lump' was discovered.  Said lump was prodded, poked, scanned and tested to be safe.  The plan was to remove lump Mid year.  Along came a production of The Wizard of Oz and I was offered the role of Tin Man.  Being the showoff I am I jumped (rather gingerly) at the chance.  Surgery was scheduled for September/October (with production week commencing a few days post op) no dancing down the yellow brick road for this Tin Man, hence it was postponed til December.  December arrives and so does a long bout of viral gastro.  Can't bring it into the hospital so postponed until Easter: family visits etc, life gets busy so postponed until July.

Here we are, July, cold. Apart from the odd jostling of the appointment times etc all seems to be aligning.  School holidays, reports, even a two week break in the basketball schedule plus even a loss in the first game back still gets us into the finals.  Why am I so nervous?

I think I'm used to lump life.  I have learned to sit down and not hurt myself.  I miss riding my motorcycle, but I can still play sport to some degree and now I'm having doubts about going through. I have no belief in "a plan" circumstances changed my dates which maybe says that perhaps I'm not as selfish as I think.  I'm not worried about the surgery itself, my surgeon is a lovely chap who I've trusted my life to previously and have an good rapport with.  I think I'm worried about my body's response to the surgery. These things can come back, hernias are a possibility, recovery can take longer than anticipated.  I'm less worried about dying in theatre than I am about losing more of my "normality" after the procedure.

My phobia's newest symptom is a recurrence of an original one.  I recall lying in a hospital bed and all I was interested in was going to Bunnings and trying out power tools.  I couldn't drill anything in my room but it was my want to be able to do something handy or in my mind worthy with the time I have.  I cant sleep in unless Im sick or drugged.  I hate sitting down on days when the weather is good and I could be building the gym, planting the lawn, servicing the car, motorbike or Mum's car.  My problem is less being a DIY-aholic and more like I have a phobia of losing my ability co contribute.

I have over committed to projects in the past but never during the recovery post op period because even I am not that stupid.  Say hello to the new, even dumber me.  Not only have I committed to lining the ceiling of the gym, building the giant shoe box, finishing the dalek and making a workbench for myself. I've also committed to planning a semester long Maths unit (because paperwork is definitely my strong suit). There you have it, I have a browser history full of youtube DIY projects and a wife and son that aren't getting what they need from me (in my mind).  If only that help were at hand but honestly, people getting nervous and turning to drugs, alcohol (I miss that) and other vices is more of an issue than me and my need to be productive.

If only I could find a way to be productive in a way that would help my career.  Maybe instead of a Mathematics unit they'd like a birdhouse?

I.M

Jesus: Product Genius

Did Steve Jobs rip off Jesus.  Or being the embodiment of the almighty, did Jesus know what Steve(us) would do and was so inspired that he was the rip off artist?

The iPod (for the uneducated) was a huge success.  It succeeded where numerous others had failed in the past at bringing a digital music player to the masses (or Masses, pun intended).  It was expensive and still is but the main thing we often forget about the iPod was that it began as a Mac only device.  It wasn't available for use on Windows PCs until 2002.  From the time in 2002 until 2004 the number of iPods sold grew from 600,000 to 10,000,000.  Apple hit on the best way to expand market share.  Start out in a niche market segment and build a cult following, then make some changes to make your product available to other groups.

Christianity (which I think was Jesus' best known film) began with an intimate group (I write that because it irritates the bigoted; those people who make me feel like God behaved the way that Jim Jeffries depicted God at a party, look it up on YouTube) of men and things were quite small and manageable but still powerful.  The technology of Christianity was demonstrated by these 13 individuals and had people wanting to join (clearly demonstrating their love for their incumbent God or Gods was easily swayed, so good luck with those hypocrites).

The whole thing being executed in the same way that Romans killed other Jewish insurgents happened and then we have the christian churches that sprang up.  They again were small and intimate (maybe some Christians are misunderstanding intimate and confusing it with intimidate?) Now we all know about the theory behind Source Q etc.  If not the simplest explanation I can offer is that The Gospels according to M,M,L and J would be more accurately titled The Gospels According to the Church Committees of the Churches founded by M,M,L and J.

These Churches of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John sprang up in different areas and in order to market the Christian product to particular groups in those areas, adaptations to the original product were made (dogmatic law).  "Oh you've already mutilated your penis for another God? That's okay this God loves all who have mutilated their penis, in fact he's very proud of you for doing it". Or the more popular, "Oh you believe that mutilating one's genitals is a cruel and sadistic way to show God that your love him/her and don't believe a kind and merciful God would want you to mutilate your body? Well I have wonderful news for you.....yes tattoos will be okay too."

The rules of entry were massaged, changed, bent and altered to get the largest influx of new clientele to denounce their Gods and pledge unending love for a different one (I know I'm covering old ground here).  The purpose is not to be critical of the church, its far too short to engage in that kind of dialogue but Christianity began the method for the way that new products are launched.  Just think; if the Christian churches had somehow patented the roll out method and could claim royalties for it they'd probably have enough money by now to compensate all those victims of abuse and end world poverty.........hang on.....

Refutable Me

It is universally regarded....NO.  It is an established scientific fact, that being a mother is a hard job.  It is overly popular conjecture from many mothers that being a father is easy.  I've only come to terms with this in due to my own experience in becoming one.  I accept that I am not good at it.  I accept that there are people in the world who are great at it.  I even go so fa to say that right now I'm someone's father and working on becoming a Dad.

Heres some food for thought.

1. Conditional Love: We met our partners/wives/significant others and we wanted to be the only one for them (even if you had "the talk") we wanted to occupy the special place in their lives, so we worked hard.  Our hard work was rewarded with love.  If that hard work were to stop pre or post baby  the conditions for loving that person would change.  If husbands/partners became so demanding and difficult to live with the love would disappear completely.  Love for one's child is unconditional.  No matter how difficult life may become for getting up, crying, pooping (there are a few US readers), the love in most part is unwavering.  So fathers are now at an immediate disadvantage.

2. The Replacement Paradox: Congratulations! You've landed your dream girl (you need one of those for this scenario to play out) you've pledged your love for each other in front of all your friends and family in a modestly expensive ceremony and living happily.  You arrive home from work and are happy to see one another.  You plan to do things together, and do them.  You travel, eat out, stay up late and enjoy life.  The baby is coming so you learn together, make plans for the birth, plan the nursery (you may or may not know how much of a con that is) and its all good and exciting.  Then it happens.  I'm not sure when it happens exactly but the world shifts slightly.  Mum holding the living embodiment of your love for one another as it grunts, cries, screams, sleeps, farts or all of the aforementioned.  Man's ego is dented, as man realises that he has dropped to second on the ladder (still guaranteed a preliminary final but may have to do it the hard way).

The father of a newborn tried to get up for feeds, help around the house, and genuinely wants to be good at what he's doing.  There are varying degrees of success in such endeavours but as baby grows so so baby's needs.  The one need that probably gets neglected is baby's need for contact with Dad which takes another hint when the 4-6 weeks parenting leave is up (if only someone could explain to newborns that the father has a limited time to create and sustain a bond that will last until the next round of annual leave).

Father goes back to work and mother's job at home with baby (unless Mum works too) becomes ten times harder because the token support which father was supplying has now disappeared.  The bond between Mum and Bub grows very strong and Dad is finding that he has to own his role as head bath monitor and bottle washer to remain somewhat helpful (It was pointed out to me recently that paying the bills and providing income for food are not all that helpful when hoping to grow a child).  A reduced and now split role with both baby and mother means that its hard to maintain a good connection with both and Mum's unconditional love has put Baby in first place on the Love List.  Dad's best prospect is to help out as much as possible to cement second.

It is totally unintentional, it happens without people knowing.  You've helped to nurture, care for and finance (in whatever way you can manage) your replacement in the heart of your partner.  The realisation of this in men is often called Male Post Natal Depression and it is real.  Nobody intended it and we all know that the vast majority 99.99999% of fathers in the world love their children, but some do wonder "wasn't I enough?".

I'm lucky and I write this too often.  I don't drink, I have great work mates and one or two friends.  I don't go out because I don't drink and its pretty hard to order a cappuccino in a night club (they can cause third degree burns if consumed whilst twerking).  I'm going out to the shed and I will clean motorcycle, rearrange spanners and do things that will keep me from waking my child and wife in the house because neither of them get enough sleep and I love them.

Before I leave for the shed: the dishes and laundry are both washing.  The toys are picked up of the lounge room floor. The bottles are sterilised and filled with boiled and cooled water.  The correct number of bottles have infacol already measured out.  The floor and high chair are clean and I've removed my crap from the kitchen table.  Im not that good at being a father and not in the Dad category yet.  but next time you hear about an unhelpful father or how easy dads have it can you please remember this little note?

Mum has the toughest job on Earth.  Dad has the job of supporting the person he loves while looking after his emotional replacement and that's not exactly easy for all men.

I.M

Commutable Me

Ive now written this first paragraph for the seventh time (with two embellishments).  It has been a while since the last post that I wrote but I have made some changes in my life.  I will work on them being for the better. 

I'd been rattling ideas about Mindfulness around in my head for the last month and have had plenty of time to try and put thoughts into some kind of logical order but I'm slowly realising it doesn't actually matter if the order of my thoughts is either or neither rational/ logical.  The logic and rationale of the thoughts is what makes them my own.

Working on the Suzuki GS500 last year I've become more confident with mechanical fettling which was also helped along with "Gonzo" the SsangYong ute (Pick-Up Truck).  No mechanic wanted a bar f it and although it was running fine I had little confidence in my own mechanical abilities which diminished my confidence in the vehicle.

Gonzo seven its purpose.  It fetched and carried many long and heavy items and helped to clear lots of junk from the house.  Now we have a trailer and are willing to spring the $10 for home delivery of materials and items we cant put in the trailer.  A dual cab ute is expensive on parts both financially and in time.  Its also hard to dedicate time to things that we aren't passionate about.

Some time around the 3rd of January I sold Gonzo.  Purchased in 2014 for $6000 and Sold January 2016 for $5500.  On Monday 4th January 2016 I bought my "dream car", over the phone, having never laid eyes on it myself.  I then arranged a person I didn't know from a company I'd never heard of to pick up my $5100 investment and bring it to Whyalla.  Mrs I.M was very patient (even when I had self imposed a rule to not talk about "the car" until after 12pm) with me and listened to all the unutterable nonsense that fell from my face like rain over Sunshine North, Victoria.

On Friday last week, it arrived.  My Ford arrived! My dream car arrived.  Unfortunately as it arrived at 5:00pm on a Friday all it did over the weekend was sit in the driveway as there was no way to inspect or register it until Monday.  Mrs I.M is waiting for a DVD to arrive.  I have told her that the weekend for me would be the same if her DVD had arrived and she was only allowed to view the menu screen for two days.

My ford is a 2003 Focus ST170, a cheeky sporty version of the mid sized hatchback that had only arrived in Australia in 2002. New, the ST170 cost $37,000 which was approximately $13,000 more than a mid spec Subaru WRX.  At 170hp or 127kw it was less powerful because it was naturally aspirated and represented awful value for money at the time.  It was brought in begrudgingly by Ford so they wouldn't have to change their marketing materials which were all emblazoned with a car that you couldn't  actually buy in Australia. I was a graduate when I first drove a Focus and I wanted one then.  But the car I drove back in 2004 wasn't an ST, it was the Zetec, a 2 litre, 5 speed manual 96kw version of the car.  By the time I had taken that test drive 12 years prior, all of the 1000 STs sold by Ford in Australia were long gone.

Within 18 months of the ST170 being "released" for sale Ford dumped the design (which had been cutting edge in 1998) for a more subtle LS focus (which I did buy if you remember my silver focus).  It was close the the ST.  It had VVTI (or Ford's version) it produced 103kw (better than the Zebec) and had alloy wheels and a spoiler. I loved it and sadly parted ways with it in favour of something cheaper in order to buy the house my family lives in.  

Until Monday (not counting moving the car) I had only driven past a handful of STs and had NEVER driven one.  When I drove it to be inspected by the police (standard procedure for interstate vehicles) I was happy.  It pulls wonderfully in every gear, and there are six of them.  The exhaust, (which runs extractors from stock) has a nice sound.  The interior (Recaro front seats) are blue cloth (RS dreams come true) and leather.  Everything works.  It has a full bodykit.  It is on 17" alloys.  The smile on my face got so big on Monday I found myself being like a new "P" plater.  Taking the long route and making excuses to drive it.

It handles  better than anything I've ever driven and combined with the punchy engine It's a joy to drive for me.  I think I'm the beneficiary of the car's initially astronomical cost and rapid departure by ford to other cars which were much more powerful (the XR5 Turbo) which were slightly cheaper.  STs seem to have been purchased by enthusiasts who haven't hacked them to pieces (like a GS500) and are thin on the ground but prices are reasonable.

I look forward to my commute to work in a car that I am passionate about. 

Car History**

1980 MK2 Ford Escort

1976 MK2 Ford Escort

1983 Holden Camira

1981 Datsun 200B

1986 Ford Fairmont

1998 Ford Festiva

2005 Ford Focus

2008 Ford Fiesta

2006 Honda CR-V

2008 SsangYong Actyon Sports

2003 Ford Focus ST170.

** there have been others but due to the relatively short period of ownership, they haven't been included**