The reason I can't stop is the same reason I haven't slept well for the past few weeks. Not our two year old. I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts. I don't hear voices or think I can talk to plants.
I do have recurring thoughts about how horrible a person I am. How can people find me nice? Why do people think I'm good at my job? How could someone love me? Why would these people want to talk to me?
It's been hard living like this. It isn't constant and I know that things will improve.
I fish for compliments almost as a test of how genuine people are. Tell me a positive and I'll probably fish for a compliment to see if you really meant what you just said. It's weird and convoluted and makes perfect sense in my head (where at the moment it's a crap place to be).
Why negative. My childhood wasn't bad. What could be bad about growing up as an overweight, sickly, asthmatic, non footballer, non cricketer who watches Doctor Who in regional south Australia?
Other than all of that last question. One day I'll be able to hear "you're looking good" and know it isn't the same as the "you're looking good", in high school.
I want to live my life and not spend my time on earth complaining about mine. I need to find a way to grow out of this thought process. But that seems like me trying to make my hair grow longer by force of will. I'm not sure it can be done.
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