Impatient Me

I have many failings but one of my biggest is my impatience.  Bad news for someone supposedly at an 80% risk of being killed by cancer.  At this rate it would appear that stress is more likely.  I’m finding myself having one of those days where I’d prefer to not be at work or at home.  On the drive home I was tempted to knock on doors and ask if the occupants would like help around the house: digging holes, changing bulbs, cleaning toilets, quite literally anything.

It’s strange how I promised myself a year ago that I wouldn’t be in this space again and one year on, here I am.  Something that people don’t let you know about being grown up and having responsibilities is that the sea of “things” is unending.  I’ve always described teaching in Jerry Maguire’s words of being, “an up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I can never fully tell you about”.  Some people are skilled enough to navigate the needs of that job and manage the sea of stuff that is life too.

For some reason I’ve been kidding myself into thinking that I am one of those people.  Psyching myself up to believe that I can deliver interesting lessons, write reports, update plans, build the gym, finish the dalek, go to events, raise money for charity, attend church functions, play sport, BE A FATHER!!! Be a husband, pay bills, take meds, check homework, mediate “issues”, shop for Christmas, wash the car, book in the family wagon to have a break service, try to save money by ordering the parts online, check the VIN plate to make sure I order the right parts, make it line up with a pay week, exercise, better yourself, register your PD, fix that trailer for the dalek, mow and fertilise the lawn, weed the front yard, help organise the garage sale, buy more mouse traps, walk Billy more, get down to 75kg, try and waterproof the shed, get rid of the half done roller door, put up new gates, paint the last part of the outside of the house, put bark chips in the front yard, write that reflection that will earn you money next year, blog, get those YouTube videos done.

I haven’t used an “and” there because it means that immediately after will be the final thing on the list, I’ve just run out of the things that are currently buzzing around in my head; well apart from today’s elephant in the room, we’re moving. Really? When? At what point was I not offered a seat on the committee that decided this rather large ‘minor detail’ in my life because I feel as if it’s something that would have been weighed up for a few days at least.

I get (accept) that may of the things on the list are my choice and I can opt out of them at any time.  I also don’t like to disappoint my loved ones (maybe that comes with learning to be a husband and dad).  I fully accept that I have some help at my disposal but my plans shouldn’t be other’s plans, they didn’t ask to be a part of them and probably have a list like this or bigger to do themselves.  I hate half finished things and I can’t sit still.

If, IF..I sit down to watch television, I’m hungry, I’ve been working while medicated and they’ve worn off so when I eat I’ll need to visit the loo 15 times a night.  I haven’t watched the Dr Who series I got for my birthday past episode 5.  Plus I never finished the last one.  I shouldn’t say “I wish” but it would seem that I really need a more focussed and blinkered life.  One of my best friends told me that when I became a dad I’d wonder what I used to do with all my time.  Mum’s have it bad too and I am not trying to play the “poor man” card.  I already do not drink, smoke or gamble (the socially accepted hobbies).  I don’t do recreational drugs (slightly less socially acceptable but not outside the zeitgeist.

There will be some Holiday time approaching at Christmas/New Year and even though it’s a month away its fast booking up with things.  I think I’d better face facts that if I want to complete the list I need to know that the list will only ever be completed when I stop caring about things and therefore stop doing them.  My problem isn’t really considered a problem in broad terms but maybe this ambition and drive to complete projects is the “manic” side.  The corresponding “up” to the “down” that I’ve been experiencing.  It has gotten worse since my illness, since my realisation that my life will be short and trying to cram as much success (as I seem to define it) into the time that I am on earth. From my own admission its likely that if I do get terminally ill I’ll be quite impatient about it.

I.M