I never listened too carefully to the people who told me that one day I'd wake up and realise it was a little harder to get out of bed, or a little more effort would be needed to get to items on lower shelves in shops etc. That one day I'd find myself.....old.
This is my body and I live in it, its thirty three and sixteen months old. It's changed a lot since it was new, its done stuff it wasn't built to do and now it resembles something from a Top Gear challenge (middle top gear, new TG's challenge is to find someone to watch) or an episode of Mighty Car Mods. It seems to have changed so dramatically that I cant remember what it was like to do things that may body was built to do. Although last night I think I got a taste of what it must've been like to live with me in my Northern Adelaide days.
So, I'm ageing, who cares? Plenty more fuel in the tank, haven't even had my second wind yet. Or have I? This is what's been eating away at me and I feel remarkably stupid about it. Here I am 5 days before more surgery (and NO it isn't bloody cancer) The rumour mill went bonkers about that one last year.
So the background in brief. Last year a 'lump' was discovered. Said lump was prodded, poked, scanned and tested to be safe. The plan was to remove lump Mid year. Along came a production of The Wizard of Oz and I was offered the role of Tin Man. Being the showoff I am I jumped (rather gingerly) at the chance. Surgery was scheduled for September/October (with production week commencing a few days post op) no dancing down the yellow brick road for this Tin Man, hence it was postponed til December. December arrives and so does a long bout of viral gastro. Can't bring it into the hospital so postponed until Easter: family visits etc, life gets busy so postponed until July.
Here we are, July, cold. Apart from the odd jostling of the appointment times etc all seems to be aligning. School holidays, reports, even a two week break in the basketball schedule plus even a loss in the first game back still gets us into the finals. Why am I so nervous?
I think I'm used to lump life. I have learned to sit down and not hurt myself. I miss riding my motorcycle, but I can still play sport to some degree and now I'm having doubts about going through. I have no belief in "a plan" circumstances changed my dates which maybe says that perhaps I'm not as selfish as I think. I'm not worried about the surgery itself, my surgeon is a lovely chap who I've trusted my life to previously and have an good rapport with. I think I'm worried about my body's response to the surgery. These things can come back, hernias are a possibility, recovery can take longer than anticipated. I'm less worried about dying in theatre than I am about losing more of my "normality" after the procedure.
My phobia's newest symptom is a recurrence of an original one. I recall lying in a hospital bed and all I was interested in was going to Bunnings and trying out power tools. I couldn't drill anything in my room but it was my want to be able to do something handy or in my mind worthy with the time I have. I cant sleep in unless Im sick or drugged. I hate sitting down on days when the weather is good and I could be building the gym, planting the lawn, servicing the car, motorbike or Mum's car. My problem is less being a DIY-aholic and more like I have a phobia of losing my ability co contribute.
I have over committed to projects in the past but never during the recovery post op period because even I am not that stupid. Say hello to the new, even dumber me. Not only have I committed to lining the ceiling of the gym, building the giant shoe box, finishing the dalek and making a workbench for myself. I've also committed to planning a semester long Maths unit (because paperwork is definitely my strong suit). There you have it, I have a browser history full of youtube DIY projects and a wife and son that aren't getting what they need from me (in my mind). If only that help were at hand but honestly, people getting nervous and turning to drugs, alcohol (I miss that) and other vices is more of an issue than me and my need to be productive.
If only I could find a way to be productive in a way that would help my career. Maybe instead of a Mathematics unit they'd like a birdhouse?
I.M
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