With 1 in 8 men experiencing depression its not surprising that I am one of them. Im also one of the lucky ones in many respects. I have a mild variety and I have the financial stability to get help. Depression comes in different strengths that last for different periods, so its like beer.
Mine essentially means fluctuating moods that sit within a predictable pattern (for me 2-4 weeks at a time) I can be very upbeat, almost hypomanic and within 24 hours think of myself in the best possible light as an utter c**t. Please no fawning over "oh I really think you're terrific" because my head doesnt read those as being genuine. In my head people say nice things out of pity on account of me being a c**t (see how this works).
During my "up" time Im quite indifferent to myself (have never been positive about me). The "downs" can come on quite quickly or can be managed quite well until something brings the whole show down. Stress and conflict arent good for anyone with mental health issues. Teaching is not a wise career choice (guess at some point I was a dumn c**t).
Treatment is available and my psychologist (Cate) is wonderfully helpful. She is 400km away though. Consults over the phone are available but at $170 per pop I really need to be at a crisis point to have one, plus there aren't many private spaces to have that kind of ohone call in my life.
Its quite hard to pick when the "down" starts. Normally its easier to see after coming out of such an experience and counting back the events which are always clearer in hindsight. As far as treating it goes, its bad enough that people notice it, but not bad enough that I consider self harming at all. As I said I just feel like a c**t.
My reaction usually involves two options:
1. Distraction: do something, anything, engaging enough to ride it out while interacting with as few people as possible. Shop on ebay, build something, paint something, get work done, organise drawers, detail the car, mow lawns.
2. Change: do whatever convluted thing I can think of to make myself into a better person (less of a c**t) or to be someone else, give posessions away, buy new clothes, cut hair off, distabce myself from activities I enjoy, skip meals or engage in activities that will stress my body out to the point of braking: saying 'yes' to extra yard duty, volunteering to do things, work through breaks, drink too much coffee. Anything that can be seen as punishing myself foe being a total c**t and hopefully make me less of one.
When I read about people who've died from mental illness Im not scared Ill do that same at all. I can empathise with the mask. I only have to do it in 14-28 day increments. Imagine doing that for years at a time. It's exhausting. Since my bowel resection I have not selpt properly in 10 years. I think I bottomed ut today so I must have anywhere from a week to two weeks before I'll be very happy.
The only advice I can give is what I'd like others to do in regard to my state and I've already mentioned it. Don't fawn over someone depressed, it can come acress (granted unintentionally, but they're doubtful in a place to make that distinction) as patronising and false. Ask them how they're doing and have a regular conversation. I dont strive to feel "special". My aim is "normal, average, proficient" (one for the teachers).
I.M
Thursday, 5 September 2019
Wednesday, 20 June 2018
Twonky Me
I wanted to write about how the internet should be our saviour from the throw-away economy but I'm pissed off.
I'm at a new level of pissed off. I'm pissed off to the point I cant even stay on topic. I'm vain, well not vain but I'm extremely insecure about how I look. I own one pair of trackies I can wear to work (one day per week) that are (were) a uniform colour, comfortable and neat. I don't anymore and will have to be wearing them tomorrow.
The other casualty of this is my (relatively) new jumper that I got as a birthday gift. its now no longer very warm, overstretched and more pilled than Keith fucking Richards. The pants are a mottled black thanks to the pilling on them from being put in the wash with things that shouldn't go in the wash with them. The jumper (no longer fit for anything but the shed, but no good for the shed because inside the shed is fucking freezing) in only three months old and cost a bomb, mostly in freight. The pants are three weeks old.
Who doesn't like nice things? I cant well expect that I'll just replace either item and it'll result in me begrudgingly sulking around in them feeling like a twonk. Trying to be Mr rational and keep on keeping on but it's had when the 3 month old clothes (that I really like) now resemble the daggy ones that are a decade old.
Rant ends, I'm sitting up watching the laundry so that Mrs I.M will have clean clothes for work. And making soup.
I.M
I'm at a new level of pissed off. I'm pissed off to the point I cant even stay on topic. I'm vain, well not vain but I'm extremely insecure about how I look. I own one pair of trackies I can wear to work (one day per week) that are (were) a uniform colour, comfortable and neat. I don't anymore and will have to be wearing them tomorrow.
The other casualty of this is my (relatively) new jumper that I got as a birthday gift. its now no longer very warm, overstretched and more pilled than Keith fucking Richards. The pants are a mottled black thanks to the pilling on them from being put in the wash with things that shouldn't go in the wash with them. The jumper (no longer fit for anything but the shed, but no good for the shed because inside the shed is fucking freezing) in only three months old and cost a bomb, mostly in freight. The pants are three weeks old.
Who doesn't like nice things? I cant well expect that I'll just replace either item and it'll result in me begrudgingly sulking around in them feeling like a twonk. Trying to be Mr rational and keep on keeping on but it's had when the 3 month old clothes (that I really like) now resemble the daggy ones that are a decade old.
Rant ends, I'm sitting up watching the laundry so that Mrs I.M will have clean clothes for work. And making soup.
I.M
Monday, 4 June 2018
Mortally Me
Interesting that the thoughts I'm trying to get out have been rattling around in my head for a few weeks but Im struggling.
It began with being unwell, being unwell is a pain under any circumstances. Being unwell while having a chronic autoimmune disease is pain..ier? The first and probably most embarrassing sign of being unwell is waking up in a puddle of one's own faeces (Think Spud from Trainspotting). Why is that important? Every sickness that I seem to experience involves my gut, its getting harder to tell if its a cold, gastro, flu, or that my IBD is back. There are few things that I've experienced that are now as humbling as the early stages of being unwell. Something to really take the wind from one's sails.
So there's the being unwell, and not knowing what is wrong but then there's the dying part. Having had an attack bad enough to have had my large intestine removed gives me a new and slightly deeper level of paranoia about this. I am more likely to develop cancer than the normal person but in understanding probability and large numbers, I know it's not a given.
On Friday a workmate died. Its the second person whom I've worked with in two years to lose the fight with cancer. It reinforces the knowledge that I will only orbit the Sun a finite number of times and that my number is likely to be less than the average. Aside from all of the feeling crap and the implications that; it's a cold with lots of added features thanks to my altered body it introduces that period of doubt. That point when you know "I'm not sick by I'm not well". Being on the way down with lots of silly and generic symptoms. Difficulty sleeping, headaches, dizzyness. I don't for a moment think I'm terminally ill but I also remember that neither did these people.
The pessimism, worry and stress are all extremely tiring. The hurt and loss only make that worse too. Things will get better and I'm sure that at some point I'll be able to confidently fall asleep again. I just with I knew when that would be.
Maybe they were the thoughts I needed to get down somewhere.
Saturday, 13 January 2018
Insecure Me
Insecurities abound in our lives (they certainly do in mine), but where do they come from? How do they develop and how do we deal with them? Not everything I write in this blog is necessarily a factual recount of my life but an attempt at a stream of consciousness about things I find interesting. Electronic self indulgence.
I think everyone is insecure about something. Society changes and for some the perception of someone's insecurity falls away due to change in attitude by the populous but that may not be the case for the individuals. Take being LGBTQI. Marriage equality laws have passed, you have been considered equals (well overdue in my opinion) yet there are still a huge number of people who suffer mental illness and commit acts of self harm and suicide because they fear the reaction of others if the come out. Just because something is legalised doesn't magically take away the insecurity felt by the individual.
Some people face their insecurity head on and make fantastic strides toward self empowerment and actively choose to make their lives if not exceptional, at least different. Some people choose to share their insecurities with loved ones and find those extremely private, intimate thoughts and worries will be used against them. Some make jokes about their insecurities. Eddie Izzard was extremely nervous about coming out about being Transgender to his father and then went on stage in what he calls "girl mode" and it's become his thing. I've made mine known for a long time and for anyone who doesn't know its my body. In a time before "fat shaming" I lived the lifestyle of being ridiculed and feeling humiliated at (seemingly) every turn. I make it clear with little jokes and asides "this body is built for drapery" or "You're all so lucky you don't have to live in here".
So how do they start? I really don't know but in following a stream of consciousness lets see where it can take us. I have felt ashamed and embarrassed about my body since school. I know when I look back at photos that I was the class "fat kid". The Chris Griffin pool scene resonates well in my mind to encompass how I was treated by others including my friends and occasionally my family. I can still remember finding a card in my mother's purse that was called an "identi-kid" see meaningless overprotective parent niche marketing was taking place in the 1980s too. Anyway, it was a card to show police, security guards and centre management if you went missing at the shops. It contained your name, date of birth, eye colour, hair colour and build. Stocky (fat) I had been formally identified for the police to be looking out for a fat five year old if I'd gone missing.
Not my parents fault, the oft sick child who enjoyed cadbury chocolate, Smiths chips and Aero bars wasn't normally very active and spent a lot of time in bed. Not an athlete at all I routinely came in last in all events at sports days up until events were called off before I had even finished in high school. I think I might be the only student who nominated for the 1500m casual stroll only to have the next race begin while I still had 750m to go.
I guess I am insecure because I don't want to feel less than anyone else and that's what being picked on does. The casual barb might seem to one person to be well mannered banter but to someone whose big insecurity you've hit on can be relationship changing. To this end I've never taken my shirt off while in view of others at basketball. I don't go swimming because even wearing a shirt in the water doesn't work because it clings. I've hunched forward for the best part of 25 years to hide the "man cans". All this for something that's in my head. I'm not sure of the best way to meet this insecurity head on is. Do I punch the "banter" provider in the face? Do I wear unnecessarily tight clothes and listen to loud music so I don't hear the comments?
People may read this and then want to tell me that I look fine. That's a problem with insecurity. It's an irrational misbalance of evidence. I have thousands of incidences where my shape/weight was characterised as being a net negative to me as a person. One person saying you're okay won't undo that, it needs to be reinforced until the balance shifts the other way. turn the irrational into the rational. I think that's why so many people have mid-life crises. They are facing their insecurity about being old. They grow pony tails, beards, get tattoos and buy motorbikes or sports cars, expensive clothes and awful popular music. They dress like their teenage children and let them drink/smoke at home to befriend them as a peer.
People might dress up "cosplayers" are often very nervous about how they are perceived by others that they decide to become someone else. Some just wear beads, and dance through shopping malls. I take my hat off to those people for embracing the nervousness and re-channelling the energy into something good for themselves.
So whatever your insecurity is, don't think its better to be dishonest about it to save face for others. You aren't living for other people. You're living your life. My favourite quote from Steve Jobs is "Your time is limited. Don't waste it by living somebody else's life". Thats the message, get out from the shadow of your insecurities and bask in the light of who you really are. Meanwhile I'll be getting changed in the loo, because nobody needs to see that.
I.M
I think everyone is insecure about something. Society changes and for some the perception of someone's insecurity falls away due to change in attitude by the populous but that may not be the case for the individuals. Take being LGBTQI. Marriage equality laws have passed, you have been considered equals (well overdue in my opinion) yet there are still a huge number of people who suffer mental illness and commit acts of self harm and suicide because they fear the reaction of others if the come out. Just because something is legalised doesn't magically take away the insecurity felt by the individual.
Some people face their insecurity head on and make fantastic strides toward self empowerment and actively choose to make their lives if not exceptional, at least different. Some people choose to share their insecurities with loved ones and find those extremely private, intimate thoughts and worries will be used against them. Some make jokes about their insecurities. Eddie Izzard was extremely nervous about coming out about being Transgender to his father and then went on stage in what he calls "girl mode" and it's become his thing. I've made mine known for a long time and for anyone who doesn't know its my body. In a time before "fat shaming" I lived the lifestyle of being ridiculed and feeling humiliated at (seemingly) every turn. I make it clear with little jokes and asides "this body is built for drapery" or "You're all so lucky you don't have to live in here".
So how do they start? I really don't know but in following a stream of consciousness lets see where it can take us. I have felt ashamed and embarrassed about my body since school. I know when I look back at photos that I was the class "fat kid". The Chris Griffin pool scene resonates well in my mind to encompass how I was treated by others including my friends and occasionally my family. I can still remember finding a card in my mother's purse that was called an "identi-kid" see meaningless overprotective parent niche marketing was taking place in the 1980s too. Anyway, it was a card to show police, security guards and centre management if you went missing at the shops. It contained your name, date of birth, eye colour, hair colour and build. Stocky (fat) I had been formally identified for the police to be looking out for a fat five year old if I'd gone missing.
Not my parents fault, the oft sick child who enjoyed cadbury chocolate, Smiths chips and Aero bars wasn't normally very active and spent a lot of time in bed. Not an athlete at all I routinely came in last in all events at sports days up until events were called off before I had even finished in high school. I think I might be the only student who nominated for the 1500m casual stroll only to have the next race begin while I still had 750m to go.
I guess I am insecure because I don't want to feel less than anyone else and that's what being picked on does. The casual barb might seem to one person to be well mannered banter but to someone whose big insecurity you've hit on can be relationship changing. To this end I've never taken my shirt off while in view of others at basketball. I don't go swimming because even wearing a shirt in the water doesn't work because it clings. I've hunched forward for the best part of 25 years to hide the "man cans". All this for something that's in my head. I'm not sure of the best way to meet this insecurity head on is. Do I punch the "banter" provider in the face? Do I wear unnecessarily tight clothes and listen to loud music so I don't hear the comments?
People may read this and then want to tell me that I look fine. That's a problem with insecurity. It's an irrational misbalance of evidence. I have thousands of incidences where my shape/weight was characterised as being a net negative to me as a person. One person saying you're okay won't undo that, it needs to be reinforced until the balance shifts the other way. turn the irrational into the rational. I think that's why so many people have mid-life crises. They are facing their insecurity about being old. They grow pony tails, beards, get tattoos and buy motorbikes or sports cars, expensive clothes and awful popular music. They dress like their teenage children and let them drink/smoke at home to befriend them as a peer.
People might dress up "cosplayers" are often very nervous about how they are perceived by others that they decide to become someone else. Some just wear beads, and dance through shopping malls. I take my hat off to those people for embracing the nervousness and re-channelling the energy into something good for themselves.
So whatever your insecurity is, don't think its better to be dishonest about it to save face for others. You aren't living for other people. You're living your life. My favourite quote from Steve Jobs is "Your time is limited. Don't waste it by living somebody else's life". Thats the message, get out from the shadow of your insecurities and bask in the light of who you really are. Meanwhile I'll be getting changed in the loo, because nobody needs to see that.
I.M
Thursday, 9 November 2017
Aware Me
Feeling depressed is a strange thing. It never seems to be a sudden onset thing. More like realising that a character is not alone in the room during a spy film, they turn around and realise they've been watched the entire time. Depressed feelings are often covert and I believe enter through crack in doors and gaps in windows. A note to happy people, insulate your homes with foam rubber strips.
It either sneaks in or is just always there but only I only notice it when the rest of the world seems bad enough or busy enough that I'm often left alone and realise the all to familiar feeling. A great thing to be writing about at the halfway point of fourth term. I've started some cognitive behaviour therapy in the past few weeks which is interesting although Im skeptical that it will do anything to improve my opinions of myself but maybe the best outcome is to at least understand them.
It could also be in my best interests to begin examining what I actually want or crave. I think I know but do I have the nerve to tell people and will I have the ability to process their reactions upon hearing? Do I possess the faculties to filter out the outwardly positive and negative reactions and determine a balanced truth? I don't have the answers. I have always wanted the answers but have never had the guts to throw myself at something without knowing the answer beforehand. Maybe now needs to be the time, good or bad.
There are no shocking revelations forthcoming. I want the same as what a lot of others want, with a twist. I want to be recognised as good at something. Not just anything but something that I want to be good at. I loved going to the gym a few years back, it helped be be in better shape for basketball, feel better about myself and see that I was improving myself. I even booked personal training sessions and paid in advance. I only used one of the four that I paid for. I don't want to be a gym junkie but it allowed me to be not than the worst player on my basketball team. I love playing but the game is so reactive for me, I cant get a step ahead I can only seem to play in the previous moment to the frustration of many a teammate. I'm average height, average build, below average fitness, below average game skills and quantifiably the worst player on my team. Two weeks ago I scored six points and was told I'd played "a blinder" of a game. I'm quite sure everyone on the team scores six points most weeks and besides we lost by twenty.
I want people to legitimately recognise me as being good at something that I really care about. I want what lost of people want, to be unique. I can hear family members now saying 'oh you're so funny", "you're a good teacher" "your child loves you", if that were the case I would have someone other than my family members saying that I'm a good teacher, I'd also have made it as a comic and my child is three and I play dinosaurs and vacuum cleaners. Neither of those is true even through the CBT techniques. I want to be able to feel that I am unique for being good at something I am passionate about and know (in myself) that it's true.
The unfortunate thing about my depressed states is that last part. I am unable to see how it can be true. That is the general tone of my life and I don't want a magical fix to my view of my life. The change needs to be me. I need to be able to understand it and not have some mythical Jimmy Saville "fix it" for me (terrible reference but I'm only thinking of the on camera version). Of course effort plays a big role. I do not put in an effort to be a better basketball player, it was obvious that when I did, I was. Mindset gets in the way of effort and fatigue, work and depression have a huge impact on mindset. CBT says that I am jumping to conclusions. I say that as I already know I am the worst player and know that only a colossal amount of training will make be significantly better then why bother?
The result is that I am trying to grow new skills and see if there's a way that I can quietly strike out on my own and be unique to a point where I can legitimately feel satisfied with myself. That's how I feel. I know my moods will go up and down. Work will get done, deadlines met, weeks pass until the break begins and I try to find the time to do this work on myself while I leave my family unsupported, then guilt kicks in.
I.M
It either sneaks in or is just always there but only I only notice it when the rest of the world seems bad enough or busy enough that I'm often left alone and realise the all to familiar feeling. A great thing to be writing about at the halfway point of fourth term. I've started some cognitive behaviour therapy in the past few weeks which is interesting although Im skeptical that it will do anything to improve my opinions of myself but maybe the best outcome is to at least understand them.
It could also be in my best interests to begin examining what I actually want or crave. I think I know but do I have the nerve to tell people and will I have the ability to process their reactions upon hearing? Do I possess the faculties to filter out the outwardly positive and negative reactions and determine a balanced truth? I don't have the answers. I have always wanted the answers but have never had the guts to throw myself at something without knowing the answer beforehand. Maybe now needs to be the time, good or bad.
There are no shocking revelations forthcoming. I want the same as what a lot of others want, with a twist. I want to be recognised as good at something. Not just anything but something that I want to be good at. I loved going to the gym a few years back, it helped be be in better shape for basketball, feel better about myself and see that I was improving myself. I even booked personal training sessions and paid in advance. I only used one of the four that I paid for. I don't want to be a gym junkie but it allowed me to be not than the worst player on my basketball team. I love playing but the game is so reactive for me, I cant get a step ahead I can only seem to play in the previous moment to the frustration of many a teammate. I'm average height, average build, below average fitness, below average game skills and quantifiably the worst player on my team. Two weeks ago I scored six points and was told I'd played "a blinder" of a game. I'm quite sure everyone on the team scores six points most weeks and besides we lost by twenty.
I want people to legitimately recognise me as being good at something that I really care about. I want what lost of people want, to be unique. I can hear family members now saying 'oh you're so funny", "you're a good teacher" "your child loves you", if that were the case I would have someone other than my family members saying that I'm a good teacher, I'd also have made it as a comic and my child is three and I play dinosaurs and vacuum cleaners. Neither of those is true even through the CBT techniques. I want to be able to feel that I am unique for being good at something I am passionate about and know (in myself) that it's true.
The unfortunate thing about my depressed states is that last part. I am unable to see how it can be true. That is the general tone of my life and I don't want a magical fix to my view of my life. The change needs to be me. I need to be able to understand it and not have some mythical Jimmy Saville "fix it" for me (terrible reference but I'm only thinking of the on camera version). Of course effort plays a big role. I do not put in an effort to be a better basketball player, it was obvious that when I did, I was. Mindset gets in the way of effort and fatigue, work and depression have a huge impact on mindset. CBT says that I am jumping to conclusions. I say that as I already know I am the worst player and know that only a colossal amount of training will make be significantly better then why bother?
The result is that I am trying to grow new skills and see if there's a way that I can quietly strike out on my own and be unique to a point where I can legitimately feel satisfied with myself. That's how I feel. I know my moods will go up and down. Work will get done, deadlines met, weeks pass until the break begins and I try to find the time to do this work on myself while I leave my family unsupported, then guilt kicks in.
I.M
Tuesday, 31 October 2017
Halloweenily? Me?
Halloween is too American.
Halloween is un-Christian.
Halloween is Pagan and evil.
Righty oh then. Halloween is such a nonsensical piece of useless American ephemera is it. Like many other useless American things that we hate in our world: mobile phone, traffic lights, air conditioning (not invented by Jesus actually but if your unit was made in South America, it may have been assembled by Jesus) Lets not forget carbon dating, camera film, chocolate chip biscuits, condensed milk, suspension bridges, potato chips, the Big Mac. The USA has contributed more than enough things to current western societies that We should allow them some lenience on this one, because its IRISH!!
The Harvest Festival Samhain "Sow en" apparently originated from northern Ireland and England (Wales and Scotland weren't a thing) by the Druids (Stone Henge, the third of the henges, it came after straw henge and wood henge) Built by the Welsh and was to celebrate the end of the growing season and the start of winter.
They believed that the dead could cross into the world of the living at this time (John Edward would've been out of a job) so they would dress as ghosts etc in case they bumped into a real one so then they'd go unnoticed. Not a terribly dumb plan, it seems practical if you actually believed that.
"Oh we don't believe in ghosts and witches in Christianity" Im sure all the Wiccans reading would annoy you if they said "oh we don't believe in Christians. And ghosts, are you sure? The notion of people who have died and come back to walk among the living is completely foreign to Christianity? I'm no theology major but I distinctly remember quite a significant segment of the book being about a person being killed and them coming back and walking around with people for 40 days. He even told people what to do. he told people to not be afraid.
Halloween was an Samhain was an ingrained celebration by the time Pope Gregory I? (the one with the really big hat) made November 1st All Saints Day and 2nd All Souls Day. Hallowed days. The day before henceforth becomes All Hallows Eve and if you're good at rearranging letters (and ditching a few) you can get Halloween.
Pagan and evil? Pagan is a term for polytheistic belief systems by Christians. Non theists are also called heathens but often go on to prove things with science but I digress. Hinduism, Ghandi was clearly a devil worshipper right, with all his 'be nice to people and don't solve problems with violence'? Ancient Greeks were polytheistic and its not like they did anything useful but I wonder if I could find out the circumference of that circle? Why does the level of the water go up in the bath when a person gets in? It means worshipping more than one God but we've seemingly steered or had it steered and I wont ask "by whom?" toward the thinking that "Pagans" wear goat skulls and sacrifice babies. There are probably less polytheists less in the world as there are, at least according to census data, less theists in the world of all varieties.
So its too American? Actually its Irish and nobody's complaining about St Patrick's Day and if it were American, so what? tons of awesome stuff has come from America, like Sham-Wow, remember that?
It's Un-Christian? Well it was until a Catholic Pope decided to add two "Hallowed" days right after it like many other northern hemisphere festivals that christianity has "borrowed" for its own purposes *coughChristmas*. Plus the main thing that people consider un-Christian (people who were dead coming back to life) is clearly depicted in the Bible (I have read one before, its a long boring story and nobody likes snakes, which is sad if you're a snake). So its as un-Christian as the resurrection of Jesus?
It's Pagan and Evil? well Pagan refers to any religion that believes there is more than one God. There are still a few of those around. Have you ever met people hanging Crystals and dancing in front of trees smiling and being all nice? Totally and evil Pagan. The Hindu doctor who sewed my face back together at uni..Yeah he'd only do that if I promised to eat a kitten.
I get that people don't like it. Maybe they'll be disturbed by kids knocking on the door during their favourite tv show. Maybe they are against the commercialisation of someone's traditional religious event. So start a campaign to remember the "true meaning" of Halloween like you do for Christmas and Easter. Maybe you're against the sexualisation of young people in costumes as some look like they belong in the bedroom of adults instead of being worn o their kids, go an crusade to make all costumes floor length. Dress up as a dalek. I just cant stand the bullshit arguments against it. "It's not Australian", well Santa still wears his friggin long coat, long pants and winter hat when its 40 degrees here so deal with it. If you don't like Halloween just say "I don't like giving away lollies".
Yes I'm a non theist and I also believe wholeheartedly that everyone, including myself is a hypocrite and Halloween is a great demonstration of that hypocrisy. I have no problem with your religion reader, provided you don't use the fact it's yours to diminish someone else's, at that point I'll go to town.
I.M
Halloween is un-Christian.
Halloween is Pagan and evil.
Righty oh then. Halloween is such a nonsensical piece of useless American ephemera is it. Like many other useless American things that we hate in our world: mobile phone, traffic lights, air conditioning (not invented by Jesus actually but if your unit was made in South America, it may have been assembled by Jesus) Lets not forget carbon dating, camera film, chocolate chip biscuits, condensed milk, suspension bridges, potato chips, the Big Mac. The USA has contributed more than enough things to current western societies that We should allow them some lenience on this one, because its IRISH!!
The Harvest Festival Samhain "Sow en" apparently originated from northern Ireland and England (Wales and Scotland weren't a thing) by the Druids (Stone Henge, the third of the henges, it came after straw henge and wood henge) Built by the Welsh and was to celebrate the end of the growing season and the start of winter.
They believed that the dead could cross into the world of the living at this time (John Edward would've been out of a job) so they would dress as ghosts etc in case they bumped into a real one so then they'd go unnoticed. Not a terribly dumb plan, it seems practical if you actually believed that.
"Oh we don't believe in ghosts and witches in Christianity" Im sure all the Wiccans reading would annoy you if they said "oh we don't believe in Christians. And ghosts, are you sure? The notion of people who have died and come back to walk among the living is completely foreign to Christianity? I'm no theology major but I distinctly remember quite a significant segment of the book being about a person being killed and them coming back and walking around with people for 40 days. He even told people what to do. he told people to not be afraid.
Halloween was an Samhain was an ingrained celebration by the time Pope Gregory I? (the one with the really big hat) made November 1st All Saints Day and 2nd All Souls Day. Hallowed days. The day before henceforth becomes All Hallows Eve and if you're good at rearranging letters (and ditching a few) you can get Halloween.
Pagan and evil? Pagan is a term for polytheistic belief systems by Christians. Non theists are also called heathens but often go on to prove things with science but I digress. Hinduism, Ghandi was clearly a devil worshipper right, with all his 'be nice to people and don't solve problems with violence'? Ancient Greeks were polytheistic and its not like they did anything useful but I wonder if I could find out the circumference of that circle? Why does the level of the water go up in the bath when a person gets in? It means worshipping more than one God but we've seemingly steered or had it steered and I wont ask "by whom?" toward the thinking that "Pagans" wear goat skulls and sacrifice babies. There are probably less polytheists less in the world as there are, at least according to census data, less theists in the world of all varieties.
So its too American? Actually its Irish and nobody's complaining about St Patrick's Day and if it were American, so what? tons of awesome stuff has come from America, like Sham-Wow, remember that?
It's Un-Christian? Well it was until a Catholic Pope decided to add two "Hallowed" days right after it like many other northern hemisphere festivals that christianity has "borrowed" for its own purposes *coughChristmas*. Plus the main thing that people consider un-Christian (people who were dead coming back to life) is clearly depicted in the Bible (I have read one before, its a long boring story and nobody likes snakes, which is sad if you're a snake). So its as un-Christian as the resurrection of Jesus?
It's Pagan and Evil? well Pagan refers to any religion that believes there is more than one God. There are still a few of those around. Have you ever met people hanging Crystals and dancing in front of trees smiling and being all nice? Totally and evil Pagan. The Hindu doctor who sewed my face back together at uni..Yeah he'd only do that if I promised to eat a kitten.
I get that people don't like it. Maybe they'll be disturbed by kids knocking on the door during their favourite tv show. Maybe they are against the commercialisation of someone's traditional religious event. So start a campaign to remember the "true meaning" of Halloween like you do for Christmas and Easter. Maybe you're against the sexualisation of young people in costumes as some look like they belong in the bedroom of adults instead of being worn o their kids, go an crusade to make all costumes floor length. Dress up as a dalek. I just cant stand the bullshit arguments against it. "It's not Australian", well Santa still wears his friggin long coat, long pants and winter hat when its 40 degrees here so deal with it. If you don't like Halloween just say "I don't like giving away lollies".
Yes I'm a non theist and I also believe wholeheartedly that everyone, including myself is a hypocrite and Halloween is a great demonstration of that hypocrisy. I have no problem with your religion reader, provided you don't use the fact it's yours to diminish someone else's, at that point I'll go to town.
I.M
Friday, 27 October 2017
Technologically Me
Jeff Biscuits, named after the famous Roman Emperor Jeffryus Buscuitus, is my 2006 Mac Mini. Now during my last "low" period in Adelaide I resorted to retail therapy on a budget. I bought a mac mini for $10 with the idea to run Linux on it to learn a little more for next year. My DOS command line skills are probably rusty but ok, Unix on the other hand is non existent. When the G4 mini I bought turned out (at this stage to not be working) I kept an eye out for a cheap mini (under $100). When I got home I noticed an ad that was a few weeks old for an Intel based mini for $90 that had been for sale for a few weeks. I called and offered $40 and it was accepted. Dad lovingly collected Jeff, packed him and sent him up on the bus.
I knew it was working but I wanted more than the 60gb of hard drive. A kind chap had given me two salvaged laptop drives for free 320gb apiece (one was a Seagate Barracuda). I set to installing one and after some swearing and complaining about not having Foxconn fingers I got it back together.
I booted the mac knowing that I'd have to root around to find the Snow Leopard DVD to install on it when I noticed that windows 10 was trying to boot. This got me thinking about whether this could be the answer to my windows problem.
I have been running a virtualised machine on my MacBook but am a bit sick of losing half my SSD for it. I use it for work (normally twice a year) to write reports and keep it current because We have changed software a few times already and each time we've changed it is Windows only until I cause a fuss. So I'd been thinking about a dedicated Windows machine. Sure I could've bought a Dell Optilex (I think thats the name) off Gumtree and be where I am now, but where's the fun in that. Plus I think the mini is better to look at than the Dell and I dare say probably better made (I mean it is a Dell).
I discovered this video from the 8-Bit Guy (formerly the iBook Guy) and thought about upping the memory in the mini to its max 2GB. I hit ebay and bought 2GB for $8 (posted) it arrived in many pieces because the seller had taped the two dimms together and stuck them in an envelope. Again a kind and anonymous person found two replacement dimms from scrapped notebooks and I was in biz again.
That is until I saw this and this, I put two and two together, actually got four and hit ebay for a Core 2 Duo CPU for Jeff. After 20 minutes I located Gary in NSW who had a stack of laptop CPUs for sale on Gumtree, among them were two Intel T7200s. I bought the pair for $3 plus $1.44 postage.
Now up to this point my Mac Mini 1.66ghz with 1gb of ram and 320gb hard drive was already running Windows 10 at work, slowly but reliably (there is a Realtek sound driver I need to find). I mean Jeff did everything I wanted, email was working, I could upload homework to my Google Drive and send out messages via Remind. I even installed Office 2016 (which requires 2gb of memory) and worked.
Tonight was a quest to see if I could not only, not break Jeff but also to improve Jeff to be a reliable workhorse again and free my MacBook's SSD from it's Windows partition. Success ensued the mismatched Hynix and Samsung dimms work fine, the CPU makes booting much more reasonable and the mini went back together well. Jeff's new specs: Intel Core 2 Duo 2Ghz 2GB memory and 320GB hard drive. Via an boot assistant called REfit It boots to windows in 1:18sec (not bad for an obsolete machine) and Mac OS in 20.2sec from the bot selector.
I have chosen to keep a tiny MacOS partition as: 1. Windows cant recognise the Mac partition of the drive to delete it. 2. I have just bought a ridiculously cheap Time Capsule for a mini network at work and Apple's Airport Utility is better for configuring, plus Time Machine will backup all of the Hard Disk including the 300GB Windows Partition.
So there you have it, a post about something nerdy, positive, ambitious and successful.
BTW I can now update the firmware in OS X to take 3GB of memory which will make it even faster if I can track down some DDR2 667 laptop ram.
Jeff Biscuits costs.
Purchase $40
Memory $8
Hard Drives $0
CPU $4.44
Thermal Paste $4.95
Total Cost $57.39 not bad for a recycling job.
I.M
I knew it was working but I wanted more than the 60gb of hard drive. A kind chap had given me two salvaged laptop drives for free 320gb apiece (one was a Seagate Barracuda). I set to installing one and after some swearing and complaining about not having Foxconn fingers I got it back together.
I booted the mac knowing that I'd have to root around to find the Snow Leopard DVD to install on it when I noticed that windows 10 was trying to boot. This got me thinking about whether this could be the answer to my windows problem.
I have been running a virtualised machine on my MacBook but am a bit sick of losing half my SSD for it. I use it for work (normally twice a year) to write reports and keep it current because We have changed software a few times already and each time we've changed it is Windows only until I cause a fuss. So I'd been thinking about a dedicated Windows machine. Sure I could've bought a Dell Optilex (I think thats the name) off Gumtree and be where I am now, but where's the fun in that. Plus I think the mini is better to look at than the Dell and I dare say probably better made (I mean it is a Dell).
I discovered this video from the 8-Bit Guy (formerly the iBook Guy) and thought about upping the memory in the mini to its max 2GB. I hit ebay and bought 2GB for $8 (posted) it arrived in many pieces because the seller had taped the two dimms together and stuck them in an envelope. Again a kind and anonymous person found two replacement dimms from scrapped notebooks and I was in biz again.
That is until I saw this and this, I put two and two together, actually got four and hit ebay for a Core 2 Duo CPU for Jeff. After 20 minutes I located Gary in NSW who had a stack of laptop CPUs for sale on Gumtree, among them were two Intel T7200s. I bought the pair for $3 plus $1.44 postage.
Now up to this point my Mac Mini 1.66ghz with 1gb of ram and 320gb hard drive was already running Windows 10 at work, slowly but reliably (there is a Realtek sound driver I need to find). I mean Jeff did everything I wanted, email was working, I could upload homework to my Google Drive and send out messages via Remind. I even installed Office 2016 (which requires 2gb of memory) and worked.
Tonight was a quest to see if I could not only, not break Jeff but also to improve Jeff to be a reliable workhorse again and free my MacBook's SSD from it's Windows partition. Success ensued the mismatched Hynix and Samsung dimms work fine, the CPU makes booting much more reasonable and the mini went back together well. Jeff's new specs: Intel Core 2 Duo 2Ghz 2GB memory and 320GB hard drive. Via an boot assistant called REfit It boots to windows in 1:18sec (not bad for an obsolete machine) and Mac OS in 20.2sec from the bot selector.
I have chosen to keep a tiny MacOS partition as: 1. Windows cant recognise the Mac partition of the drive to delete it. 2. I have just bought a ridiculously cheap Time Capsule for a mini network at work and Apple's Airport Utility is better for configuring, plus Time Machine will backup all of the Hard Disk including the 300GB Windows Partition.
So there you have it, a post about something nerdy, positive, ambitious and successful.
BTW I can now update the firmware in OS X to take 3GB of memory which will make it even faster if I can track down some DDR2 667 laptop ram.
Jeff Biscuits costs.
Purchase $40
Memory $8
Hard Drives $0
CPU $4.44
Thermal Paste $4.95
Total Cost $57.39 not bad for a recycling job.
I.M
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