Doubtable me

I'm a compliment fisher. I am a serial compliment fisher. I feel bad about it but I don't think I can stop. 

The reason I can't stop is the same reason I haven't slept well for the past few weeks. Not our two year old. I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts. I don't hear voices or think I can talk to plants. 

I do have recurring thoughts about how horrible a person I am. How can people find me nice? Why do people think I'm good at my job? How could someone love me? Why would these people want to talk to me?

It's been hard living like this. It isn't constant and I know that things will improve. 

I fish for compliments almost as a test of how genuine people are. Tell me a positive and I'll probably fish for a compliment to see if you really meant what you just said. It's weird and convoluted and makes perfect sense in my head (where at the moment it's a crap place to be). 

Why negative. My childhood wasn't bad. What could be bad about growing up as an overweight, sickly, asthmatic, non footballer, non cricketer who watches Doctor Who in regional south Australia?

Other than all of that last question. One day I'll be able to hear "you're looking good" and know it isn't the same as the "you're looking good", in high school. 

I want to live my life and not spend my time on earth complaining about mine. I need to find a way to grow out of this thought process.  But that seems like me trying to make my hair grow longer by force of will. I'm not sure it can be done. 

Impatient Me

I have many failings but one of my biggest is my impatience.  Bad news for someone supposedly at an 80% risk of being killed by cancer.  At this rate it would appear that stress is more likely.  I’m finding myself having one of those days where I’d prefer to not be at work or at home.  On the drive home I was tempted to knock on doors and ask if the occupants would like help around the house: digging holes, changing bulbs, cleaning toilets, quite literally anything.

It’s strange how I promised myself a year ago that I wouldn’t be in this space again and one year on, here I am.  Something that people don’t let you know about being grown up and having responsibilities is that the sea of “things” is unending.  I’ve always described teaching in Jerry Maguire’s words of being, “an up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I can never fully tell you about”.  Some people are skilled enough to navigate the needs of that job and manage the sea of stuff that is life too.

For some reason I’ve been kidding myself into thinking that I am one of those people.  Psyching myself up to believe that I can deliver interesting lessons, write reports, update plans, build the gym, finish the dalek, go to events, raise money for charity, attend church functions, play sport, BE A FATHER!!! Be a husband, pay bills, take meds, check homework, mediate “issues”, shop for Christmas, wash the car, book in the family wagon to have a break service, try to save money by ordering the parts online, check the VIN plate to make sure I order the right parts, make it line up with a pay week, exercise, better yourself, register your PD, fix that trailer for the dalek, mow and fertilise the lawn, weed the front yard, help organise the garage sale, buy more mouse traps, walk Billy more, get down to 75kg, try and waterproof the shed, get rid of the half done roller door, put up new gates, paint the last part of the outside of the house, put bark chips in the front yard, write that reflection that will earn you money next year, blog, get those YouTube videos done.

I haven’t used an “and” there because it means that immediately after will be the final thing on the list, I’ve just run out of the things that are currently buzzing around in my head; well apart from today’s elephant in the room, we’re moving. Really? When? At what point was I not offered a seat on the committee that decided this rather large ‘minor detail’ in my life because I feel as if it’s something that would have been weighed up for a few days at least.

I get (accept) that may of the things on the list are my choice and I can opt out of them at any time.  I also don’t like to disappoint my loved ones (maybe that comes with learning to be a husband and dad).  I fully accept that I have some help at my disposal but my plans shouldn’t be other’s plans, they didn’t ask to be a part of them and probably have a list like this or bigger to do themselves.  I hate half finished things and I can’t sit still.

If, IF..I sit down to watch television, I’m hungry, I’ve been working while medicated and they’ve worn off so when I eat I’ll need to visit the loo 15 times a night.  I haven’t watched the Dr Who series I got for my birthday past episode 5.  Plus I never finished the last one.  I shouldn’t say “I wish” but it would seem that I really need a more focussed and blinkered life.  One of my best friends told me that when I became a dad I’d wonder what I used to do with all my time.  Mum’s have it bad too and I am not trying to play the “poor man” card.  I already do not drink, smoke or gamble (the socially accepted hobbies).  I don’t do recreational drugs (slightly less socially acceptable but not outside the zeitgeist.

There will be some Holiday time approaching at Christmas/New Year and even though it’s a month away its fast booking up with things.  I think I’d better face facts that if I want to complete the list I need to know that the list will only ever be completed when I stop caring about things and therefore stop doing them.  My problem isn’t really considered a problem in broad terms but maybe this ambition and drive to complete projects is the “manic” side.  The corresponding “up” to the “down” that I’ve been experiencing.  It has gotten worse since my illness, since my realisation that my life will be short and trying to cram as much success (as I seem to define it) into the time that I am on earth. From my own admission its likely that if I do get terminally ill I’ll be quite impatient about it.

I.M

Electable Me

While I'm waiting for a rodent to be killed violently I may as well write about the elephant in the room.  I've been swearing off commenting on the USA's election via Facebook, but we're here so get used to it.  Like many, I listened to the mainstream media and I'm now stunned that there will be a President Trump leading the free world.  If his policies are to be believed the rest of the world may not have much to worry about as he's only really looking out for the USA.

If the modern political sphere is anything to go by, there will be a Trump administration for at least 8 years too.  Yes his policies seem to go against every fibre of my being.  Yes, he seems to have promised the world and is now trying to back pedal as much as possible.  Yes, I posted the George Carlin quote, "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers".  Please world remember this, we've been here before.

As much as I hate to admit it, seemingly unpopular, right wing governments were the norm in Australia in the mid 90's through to 2007.  I hated all that Jon Howard (ex PM) was and stood for.  I campaigned for Mark Latham over JH!  When someone from Australia steps back and takes a moment to ponder the reason why a person like Mr Trump is elected, it can defy belief.  Then a person like me switches their stereotype headset on (even though the iPhone 7 has no headphone socket) and it does make some sense. Large numbers of previously employed, a majority Christian population, a majority of those Christians being quite conservative, the people who aspire to have excess, the people who consider themselves "self made men" like Trump is perceived to be (not the reality).

It didn't happen in Australia until successive unpopular governments were elected.  This gave a particular politician (who we really only knew from his part on national breakfast TV) the opportunity to ride a wave of disgruntled right wing and highly hopeful lefty superhero status to the Lodge in Canberra.  Ask most people in that cabinet how things worked between Kevin07 and 2010 and one word that comes up is "shambolic".  It led to Kevin Rudd being removed before then end of his first term.

The portrayal of Mr Trump ( I hope) is only a portrayal of him if that makes sense.  The Jon Howard I met in 2005 (toward the end of his empire, and having staved off many challenges from Peter Costello at the time) wasn't the angry man slapping the podium I thought he would be.  He was quiet, charming, dunking scotch fingers and talking to people about cricket.

 I hope anyone living in the USA knows that the elections there are portrayed in Australia as a caricatured pissing contest.  More like kids vying for SRC (class president) than actual President (All the way with Stephanie K).  All I can say for my friends (maybe friend) reading this in the USA is I hope the country's experience with President-elect Trump will be no worse than our Kevin07 experience.  I hope the depiction of his persona is just that.  That one day you'll speak to him in a community club somewhere and realise he's probably a perfectly nice guy (as long as you don't discuss politics).

I.M