Wow, these posts are planned to become more frequent an average of nearly six months between them seems to be a constant in my life. So, what's happened since April? Vaccinated, therapised...somewhat.
I need to work on telling people what I want. That's extremely challenging, I cant even fill out budget requests at work for fear of having to be held accountable for how having an office chair makes me better at my job. The therapy itself has been beneficial, however, it has made me think of when my inability to tell people what I want started. Don't worry, wont go through that here.
For someone who doesnt ask for what he wants, I have many things that I want. In the past I've been accused of being manipulative, maybe so. Maybe (therapy head) a bi-product of my previosly diagnosed inability. I often feel ashamed, guilty or downright unworthy of asking for things that I probably try to arrange for them to happen "organically" right or wrong.
Wants and desires can be acted on by myself quite willingly as long as Im the sole participant, new clothes, shoes, premium motor oil, all me. Things that involve others, I will try to arrange things so that I dont have to decide or when faced with an alternative, I'll pick the option that will hamstring my happiness or make the other parties happy. Makes me seem like a nice person most of the time, alas, it also makes me miserable and also makes me feel worse when I do the shoes and premium 5w40.
My true wants feel like something I can look at in my hands and weep over while everyone is asleep. I try to scrunch them into a ball and hide them away as often as I can. I lie awake hoping that people will say the magical combination of words that will mean my cryptic hints have been decoded...they dont.
My job means I must answer 150 pointless (in the scheme of life) questions a day. I hope and wish to not decide when work is finished but get so upset inside when things dont go as I'd hoped. I suppose there is a way to fix that. Although, I am not sure how someone with no self worth cn either suddenly discover and value it accordingly or can just speak out and be damned the consequences.
This is clearly the wrong way to fix myself but writing things down has a direct correlation with healing (I'm told). Either that or this blog will be the undoing of me, personally, professionally and relationally. Stay tuned to find out which.
I.M.
Sometimes I lay there and I can feel the words sitting, stuck in my throat and I cant swallow them further or bring them out. People wonder why I'm preoccipied and cant focus on the things that count. I only know that what matters to others is more important than what matters to me. I daydream about being able to do the right things and just speak. I always thought being humble and self depricating was a positive. I don't do confidence, I tend to see it as vulgarity. I'm genuinely surprised when I am successful but I'm always confident that someone (most anyone) can come in and do something better than I can.
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