Its one of those things that people told me about that still didn't cross my mind at the time. I miss being able to sleep in the same bed as My wife. She's co-sleeping and my bowel (or lack thereof) means I get up several times a night. When this happens I wake Jnr so I've exiled myself to the guest room (workout room).
Its odd sleeping on a sofa bed and living half out of a suitcase. It reminds me a lot of my uni days and months ago when this all started I had a dream that I was back at Uni Hall. In a horribly ironic way (take note Alanis) I share a bathroom with a girl that I have deep romantic feelings for but she has another boy in her bed. Plus once Jnr sleeps I must creep around the house and anyone who knows me also knows I am as good at creeping as I am at dealing with disappointment.
I think this has been bubbling under the surface for a while and hey I understand that I'm not the one getting up at night and feeding etc. Not for a moment am I saying that my wonderful wife isn't doing more than her share. I sleep as soundly as possible then get up to go pay the bills and come home to help out before they go to sleep again. Im sure she feels as isolated as me.
Since "my" bedroom has been doubling as a workout room for my super wife to practise some PT skills, Billy the poodle has been banned because nobody wants to workout with a room that stinks like six foot grumpy man and standard poodle. Its gotten very lonely of late especially in the last few weeks where going to sleep alone is pretty damn depressing.
I'm hoping to seek out some help but as always with things of this nature they happen at the most inopportune times. Im not saying that I'm never happy but the joking quick witted bloke that most people see is mostly a facade, its like the well dressed, well mannered, nice smelling and generous representative of oneself that appears for the first date. I have a public persona and I have me. Im just not very comfortable being me.
What have I learned? Im happy when I'm busy. It has to be engaging and fulfilling. Anyone can be busy but can they be absorbed in what they're doing. That's probably why I like building and DIY, it absorbs me. Plus the corrugated iron's parents won't come in and ask why its not as straight at the corrugated iron that has been put up by others. Paint goes where its put and doesn't decide to wander off and pick an argument with the drills.
I need validation, like a drug. I spent most of my primary school competing with somebody who was my best friend but at the end of the day I was maybe a better speller. Certainly not as popular, not as fit, not as sporty, awful teeth, bad posture and probably those things were the beginning of my lacklustre self esteem. I've played basketball for coming up to 27 years. I've never registered a best player vote, scored more than 11 points in a game (where people were trying desperately to help me score) or been a significant part or a premiership, that last one I got dragged before we went into overtime for forcing up a shot early in the clock.
I want validation because I want people to tell me I'm good because it's something that I just cannot do. I heard someone say they made an "amazing salad" today. I know that if I had built the Eiffel Tower I still could never tell myself that it was good. I'd think that it was being up myself. I want to not feel like the biggest prick walking the earth. I'll make you cups of tea, buy you drinks, heap praise and help wherever I can as long as somewhere down the line you will think I'm a good person and possibly tell me (even though I'll deny it).
I want to be happy. Im not saying that I'm completely miserable. There are things that make me happy motorbike riding, listening to music, going out, seeing people smiling at me (and me thinking they're not taking the piss). I remember in primary school there was a kid (who went to to be du of the high school) he could do anything, sport, academia, socially capable the total package. He used to make fun of me being fat. So one afternoon in response I made a crack about his Asian background and a teacher overheard me. I got into the standard trouble and during the line of questioning that I've followed in my own career, she asked me why I had said what I did. My reply was that he had made a joke about me being fat so I.....I was cut off right there and told I had to apologise because "you are fat". I've never really understood that. Prejudice is meant to be universally wrong or at least I thought.
So Im waiting to speak to someone about being happy again and until then I will try to be a pleaser. Plus I'll be waiting behind others who have real problems and aren't just raging, untalented, only wingers like me.
Inflatably Yours
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