To say that I'm generally a nervous person is somewhat dishonest. I'm a (fairly) capable masker when it comes to being uncomfortable and I have become used to getting up in the morning and exxisting like this everyday.
I wonder how other's feel when they know things are about to end. How did the Chicago Bulls feel when they knew the 1998-99 season would be their last together? How did the cast of The Big Bang Theory feel when they knew ahead of time the show was ending? Is the shock better than the gradual realisation of a huge looming change? Is it better to burn out than to fade away?
When I knew my time at my workplace would come to an end I was excited about the future and new opportunities, a time to hit 'reset' and be able to reinvent myself (maybe into a version I liked better). You cant do that when you work in the same place. 'Are you ok?' and 'You've changed' become common topics of conversation and I have to revert back to my mask.
I've tried to come to work this year and leave my mask at home. Somehow I fear all I have done is leave my familiar mask behaind in favour of making a new one. What will people like? Try not to make an ass of yourself. Dont give anyone a reason to tell you off for something you did wrong. Make zero mistakes. Youve done this job before so dont ask any stupid questions? Don't be stupid, ask things you dont know?
The dialogue I have with myself everyday and the reality of learning a new system, with new people while still under very real professional expectations has more or less crushed my enthusiasm. I've become less helpful in terms of talking things out because my head is spinning coming to grips with a new workstyle and coming home to pretend its all great. I'm just craving people to tell me things instead of telling me then asking my opinion.
How many weeks/months will it take before I can wake up without the sick feeling in my stomach? Will it disappear before I have to decide that this change is 'it' and make it permenent? I do try to be pragmatic and make decisions based on evidence but that means I can't afford to have the dcision influenced by something that wouldn't have passed naturally by the time I have to make it. More pressure.
So why did I make the change? It was something different. I could jump before I got pushed. My previous role had no management/leadership pathways for someone such as myself. Men do not do the job I was doing once on the wrong side of forty. A chance to do something that I'm passionate about.
Of course there are also numerous doubts I have about my own skills, there's a pandemic, insecurity about my health and seeing a specialist (if required). Then there's nostalgia. I have a history with the place I work now and I've wondered if my penchant for mid 90s culture has been a way I can go back and 'fix' things in the past and maybe make me a better person and not the 'selfish, self centered little s**t' that still rings in my head when I have to make a decision. I mean every decision, for myself. What would you like for dinner? Do you want to order that tool? What movie do you want to see? I genuinely can't answer those questions honestly. I will sabotage myself and pick an option I don't want so I feel bad so I wont be a selfish little s**t again. It drives people around me crazy. Because it doesnt always mean that saying 'no' means I really MEAN 'yes'.
Under all this I am trying to move forward and not let this mental fog get in the way. But what is the right thing to say to people who ask me how things are going?
'How are things going up there?'
'Great' lie to make them feel better for asking.
'It's very different' vague but inoffensive, obvious observation that really tells people nothing.
'I wake up feeling sick every morning and I'm crippled by my doubs in my abilities, but the people I work with are nice'.
