Its been a rough start to 2021 (including the hangover issues of 2019). The second half of 2020 was in short, monumentally traumatic for the I.M family. It has rolled on into the beginning of the new year and more challenges professionally that are a catalyst for me feeling very tired, stressed and wanting to get away from things.
This week in particular has been trying and I have felt more and more that I do not have the skills professionally nor personally to effectively help some people that I need to. This feeling is taking a great toll on me as I scurry by and try to manage my way through the days until my mood changes or my skills catch up to where they need to be.
Being a man of the shed, I am aware of how nice it can be to be away from others and focus on something relatively simple. As my work means that I deal with real people all day the last thing I want to do in my down time is deal with people. I want to be able to be alone to think. Unfortunately I find myself on the couch or at the dining room table with my laptop and a pile of paperwork trying to muddle my way through til next weekend and go to a very light sleep feeling like I'm drowning.
My therapist asked me how the year was going. It feels like a bond film when he's trying to wrestle control of an areoplane before it crashes. I used to think that stress was something that made people worried. I never thought I'd come to the realisation of how deeply impacted one can be due to stress. Lack of sleep, headaches, tense muscles, lack of intimacy, mood swings, hyper obsession with the unimportant or mundane.
These are all signs of serious burnout and Im only 5 weeks into the new work year. I know more is coming, I know I wont stop the feeling of drowning. I know that if I choose to not worry, I will drown in work. We have a new mortgage, I need to work.
The following is an observation that I made today. I write it as just that and not a 'cry for help'. I see why men hang themselves in their sheds. Things get so overpowering, so busy, the consequences of admitting theres a problem are worse than carrying on. They want to have time (and yes women do waaaaaay more than men in most families) to be alone.
I don't want to be one of them, I'm not worried about that. One way forward for these people is for the result of them admitting there is a problem mustnt be worse than carrying on. If I come forward and let it be known that I am suffereing burnout 5 weeks into the new year then my ability to make decisions will be too greatly impacted. People with mental illness need to be able to decide things but the first thing the stigma of mental illness does is revoke ones authority and expertise in making judgements of any kind because "he was battling demons".
When someone has to choose between carrying on and burning out or risking having their ability and decisions questioned due to stress, what do you think they'll do. Some will carry on...others will carry on until one night they find themselves alone, burned out and in the shed.
