There seems to be no end of ideas for today's blog post but they seem to evaporate upon opening the laptop. Some of them even seemed interesting but life inexorably moves on. The flavour would probably be mental health. I've just finished Chris Eccleston's book, 'I love the bones of you'. Which contains plenty of food for thought.
Teeming with ideas is a warning sign, the 'up' is starting. Funnily I can look back on it now and see when it began (I can trace is back at least two weeks). I started saying 'yes' and making plans. Being motivated isn't a bad thing at all but anyone who is prone to routine changes of mood often experiences both up and down to a more extreme level than the average bear. In context I am saying yes to everything which is dangerous psychologically as I will leave myself no time for respite when my moods change. I also run the risk of burning out over a "break" period before I have to go back to the much more mentally taxing times at work.
People tend to think, or at least I think that people tend to think that someones mental health is only at risk when they are depressed. We only hear about those who "suffer depression" (must look up the convention for quotation marks). I seldom thought of people who 'suffer' from positive moods but these are the times when I am feeling great and can over commit myself and my time to projects that will take a huge mental toll later on. These are commonly referred to as 'manias' and where the 'manic' in 'Manic Depression' comes from.
So far in this six weeks I have committed to: insulating the shed, repairing and casting a large fibreglass mould, regularly meeting for coffee, days in work to prepare my rooms for 2019, a trip to the state capital for Mrs I.M's Christmas (perfectly fair and reasonable) bowling, driving lessons, outfitting the new van, making multiple paper trays, selling things on eBay, clearing junk to make way for the new windows, returning the bottles and cans for the 10c refunds, advertising and selling the car, submit the claims for psych sessions with the health fund,submitting my professional re-registration (very important)....is the picture becoming clearer?
I was standing in the shed (job I've wanted to do for months) staring into space while Mrs I.M was asking when/if she should ask for her Dad to come help. The alarm bells were ringing in my head and I couldn't hear them. The last few weeks have been like that; I am creating a lot of the stress that I'll later resent, in the times when I feel fine.
How does someone filter through which jobs are important? I'm not sure.
2019 has been one of the hardest times in my life mentally. I've wanted to walk away from my job more this year than at any other. On the advice of Kate, my psychologist, I have tried to shelter myself from being involved in too many things.I don't recall if Kate spells her name with a "k" or a 'C' and I wont look it up now as it would then seem like I've always known and I haven't. I came to realise that my life was very complicated and that complication leads to stress.
Where does simplification become selfishness? Again, not sure.
In all the list above there wasn't a de-stress time and there hasn't been for around a month. We all relax differently, the mode of triggering the right combination of endorphin, oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine is not the same in all people. It's a pity that drinking beer and fishing, or watching cricket doesn't do it with me. Neither does building/making. It's something to do because I cant sit still. I haven't been able to since 2009, it's a side-effect of nearly dying. Yes, making/building is enjoyable because it communicates to my subconscious that I'm not a talentless arse (when it goes right) but it isn't relaxing.
I haven't been able to sleep properly. Yes I can add up the hours each night to 4-5 but (more alarm bells) I cant relax. The final Tuesday of work people were worried about me at work. Middle stages of a cold and a 22 hour day preceding on the Monday did get people asking if I was OK. If I hadn't been in a good place mentally I'd have gone home and rested, but I am and I can't even though I'm sick.
I love the bones of you, is available here
