I wanted to write about how the internet should be our saviour from the throw-away economy but I'm pissed off.
I'm at a new level of pissed off. I'm pissed off to the point I cant even stay on topic. I'm vain, well not vain but I'm extremely insecure about how I look. I own one pair of trackies I can wear to work (one day per week) that are (were) a uniform colour, comfortable and neat. I don't anymore and will have to be wearing them tomorrow.
The other casualty of this is my (relatively) new jumper that I got as a birthday gift. its now no longer very warm, overstretched and more pilled than Keith fucking Richards. The pants are a mottled black thanks to the pilling on them from being put in the wash with things that shouldn't go in the wash with them. The jumper (no longer fit for anything but the shed, but no good for the shed because inside the shed is fucking freezing) in only three months old and cost a bomb, mostly in freight. The pants are three weeks old.
Who doesn't like nice things? I cant well expect that I'll just replace either item and it'll result in me begrudgingly sulking around in them feeling like a twonk. Trying to be Mr rational and keep on keeping on but it's had when the 3 month old clothes (that I really like) now resemble the daggy ones that are a decade old.
Rant ends, I'm sitting up watching the laundry so that Mrs I.M will have clean clothes for work. And making soup.
I.M
Wednesday, 20 June 2018
Monday, 4 June 2018
Mortally Me
Interesting that the thoughts I'm trying to get out have been rattling around in my head for a few weeks but Im struggling.
It began with being unwell, being unwell is a pain under any circumstances. Being unwell while having a chronic autoimmune disease is pain..ier? The first and probably most embarrassing sign of being unwell is waking up in a puddle of one's own faeces (Think Spud from Trainspotting). Why is that important? Every sickness that I seem to experience involves my gut, its getting harder to tell if its a cold, gastro, flu, or that my IBD is back. There are few things that I've experienced that are now as humbling as the early stages of being unwell. Something to really take the wind from one's sails.
So there's the being unwell, and not knowing what is wrong but then there's the dying part. Having had an attack bad enough to have had my large intestine removed gives me a new and slightly deeper level of paranoia about this. I am more likely to develop cancer than the normal person but in understanding probability and large numbers, I know it's not a given.
On Friday a workmate died. Its the second person whom I've worked with in two years to lose the fight with cancer. It reinforces the knowledge that I will only orbit the Sun a finite number of times and that my number is likely to be less than the average. Aside from all of the feeling crap and the implications that; it's a cold with lots of added features thanks to my altered body it introduces that period of doubt. That point when you know "I'm not sick by I'm not well". Being on the way down with lots of silly and generic symptoms. Difficulty sleeping, headaches, dizzyness. I don't for a moment think I'm terminally ill but I also remember that neither did these people.
The pessimism, worry and stress are all extremely tiring. The hurt and loss only make that worse too. Things will get better and I'm sure that at some point I'll be able to confidently fall asleep again. I just with I knew when that would be.
Maybe they were the thoughts I needed to get down somewhere.
Saturday, 13 January 2018
Insecure Me
Insecurities abound in our lives (they certainly do in mine), but where do they come from? How do they develop and how do we deal with them? Not everything I write in this blog is necessarily a factual recount of my life but an attempt at a stream of consciousness about things I find interesting. Electronic self indulgence.
I think everyone is insecure about something. Society changes and for some the perception of someone's insecurity falls away due to change in attitude by the populous but that may not be the case for the individuals. Take being LGBTQI. Marriage equality laws have passed, you have been considered equals (well overdue in my opinion) yet there are still a huge number of people who suffer mental illness and commit acts of self harm and suicide because they fear the reaction of others if the come out. Just because something is legalised doesn't magically take away the insecurity felt by the individual.
Some people face their insecurity head on and make fantastic strides toward self empowerment and actively choose to make their lives if not exceptional, at least different. Some people choose to share their insecurities with loved ones and find those extremely private, intimate thoughts and worries will be used against them. Some make jokes about their insecurities. Eddie Izzard was extremely nervous about coming out about being Transgender to his father and then went on stage in what he calls "girl mode" and it's become his thing. I've made mine known for a long time and for anyone who doesn't know its my body. In a time before "fat shaming" I lived the lifestyle of being ridiculed and feeling humiliated at (seemingly) every turn. I make it clear with little jokes and asides "this body is built for drapery" or "You're all so lucky you don't have to live in here".
So how do they start? I really don't know but in following a stream of consciousness lets see where it can take us. I have felt ashamed and embarrassed about my body since school. I know when I look back at photos that I was the class "fat kid". The Chris Griffin pool scene resonates well in my mind to encompass how I was treated by others including my friends and occasionally my family. I can still remember finding a card in my mother's purse that was called an "identi-kid" see meaningless overprotective parent niche marketing was taking place in the 1980s too. Anyway, it was a card to show police, security guards and centre management if you went missing at the shops. It contained your name, date of birth, eye colour, hair colour and build. Stocky (fat) I had been formally identified for the police to be looking out for a fat five year old if I'd gone missing.
Not my parents fault, the oft sick child who enjoyed cadbury chocolate, Smiths chips and Aero bars wasn't normally very active and spent a lot of time in bed. Not an athlete at all I routinely came in last in all events at sports days up until events were called off before I had even finished in high school. I think I might be the only student who nominated for the 1500m casual stroll only to have the next race begin while I still had 750m to go.
I guess I am insecure because I don't want to feel less than anyone else and that's what being picked on does. The casual barb might seem to one person to be well mannered banter but to someone whose big insecurity you've hit on can be relationship changing. To this end I've never taken my shirt off while in view of others at basketball. I don't go swimming because even wearing a shirt in the water doesn't work because it clings. I've hunched forward for the best part of 25 years to hide the "man cans". All this for something that's in my head. I'm not sure of the best way to meet this insecurity head on is. Do I punch the "banter" provider in the face? Do I wear unnecessarily tight clothes and listen to loud music so I don't hear the comments?
People may read this and then want to tell me that I look fine. That's a problem with insecurity. It's an irrational misbalance of evidence. I have thousands of incidences where my shape/weight was characterised as being a net negative to me as a person. One person saying you're okay won't undo that, it needs to be reinforced until the balance shifts the other way. turn the irrational into the rational. I think that's why so many people have mid-life crises. They are facing their insecurity about being old. They grow pony tails, beards, get tattoos and buy motorbikes or sports cars, expensive clothes and awful popular music. They dress like their teenage children and let them drink/smoke at home to befriend them as a peer.
People might dress up "cosplayers" are often very nervous about how they are perceived by others that they decide to become someone else. Some just wear beads, and dance through shopping malls. I take my hat off to those people for embracing the nervousness and re-channelling the energy into something good for themselves.
So whatever your insecurity is, don't think its better to be dishonest about it to save face for others. You aren't living for other people. You're living your life. My favourite quote from Steve Jobs is "Your time is limited. Don't waste it by living somebody else's life". Thats the message, get out from the shadow of your insecurities and bask in the light of who you really are. Meanwhile I'll be getting changed in the loo, because nobody needs to see that.
I.M
I think everyone is insecure about something. Society changes and for some the perception of someone's insecurity falls away due to change in attitude by the populous but that may not be the case for the individuals. Take being LGBTQI. Marriage equality laws have passed, you have been considered equals (well overdue in my opinion) yet there are still a huge number of people who suffer mental illness and commit acts of self harm and suicide because they fear the reaction of others if the come out. Just because something is legalised doesn't magically take away the insecurity felt by the individual.
Some people face their insecurity head on and make fantastic strides toward self empowerment and actively choose to make their lives if not exceptional, at least different. Some people choose to share their insecurities with loved ones and find those extremely private, intimate thoughts and worries will be used against them. Some make jokes about their insecurities. Eddie Izzard was extremely nervous about coming out about being Transgender to his father and then went on stage in what he calls "girl mode" and it's become his thing. I've made mine known for a long time and for anyone who doesn't know its my body. In a time before "fat shaming" I lived the lifestyle of being ridiculed and feeling humiliated at (seemingly) every turn. I make it clear with little jokes and asides "this body is built for drapery" or "You're all so lucky you don't have to live in here".
So how do they start? I really don't know but in following a stream of consciousness lets see where it can take us. I have felt ashamed and embarrassed about my body since school. I know when I look back at photos that I was the class "fat kid". The Chris Griffin pool scene resonates well in my mind to encompass how I was treated by others including my friends and occasionally my family. I can still remember finding a card in my mother's purse that was called an "identi-kid" see meaningless overprotective parent niche marketing was taking place in the 1980s too. Anyway, it was a card to show police, security guards and centre management if you went missing at the shops. It contained your name, date of birth, eye colour, hair colour and build. Stocky (fat) I had been formally identified for the police to be looking out for a fat five year old if I'd gone missing.
Not my parents fault, the oft sick child who enjoyed cadbury chocolate, Smiths chips and Aero bars wasn't normally very active and spent a lot of time in bed. Not an athlete at all I routinely came in last in all events at sports days up until events were called off before I had even finished in high school. I think I might be the only student who nominated for the 1500m casual stroll only to have the next race begin while I still had 750m to go.
I guess I am insecure because I don't want to feel less than anyone else and that's what being picked on does. The casual barb might seem to one person to be well mannered banter but to someone whose big insecurity you've hit on can be relationship changing. To this end I've never taken my shirt off while in view of others at basketball. I don't go swimming because even wearing a shirt in the water doesn't work because it clings. I've hunched forward for the best part of 25 years to hide the "man cans". All this for something that's in my head. I'm not sure of the best way to meet this insecurity head on is. Do I punch the "banter" provider in the face? Do I wear unnecessarily tight clothes and listen to loud music so I don't hear the comments?
People may read this and then want to tell me that I look fine. That's a problem with insecurity. It's an irrational misbalance of evidence. I have thousands of incidences where my shape/weight was characterised as being a net negative to me as a person. One person saying you're okay won't undo that, it needs to be reinforced until the balance shifts the other way. turn the irrational into the rational. I think that's why so many people have mid-life crises. They are facing their insecurity about being old. They grow pony tails, beards, get tattoos and buy motorbikes or sports cars, expensive clothes and awful popular music. They dress like their teenage children and let them drink/smoke at home to befriend them as a peer.
People might dress up "cosplayers" are often very nervous about how they are perceived by others that they decide to become someone else. Some just wear beads, and dance through shopping malls. I take my hat off to those people for embracing the nervousness and re-channelling the energy into something good for themselves.
So whatever your insecurity is, don't think its better to be dishonest about it to save face for others. You aren't living for other people. You're living your life. My favourite quote from Steve Jobs is "Your time is limited. Don't waste it by living somebody else's life". Thats the message, get out from the shadow of your insecurities and bask in the light of who you really are. Meanwhile I'll be getting changed in the loo, because nobody needs to see that.
I.M
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