Feeling depressed is a strange thing. It never seems to be a sudden onset thing. More like realising that a character is not alone in the room during a spy film, they turn around and realise they've been watched the entire time. Depressed feelings are often covert and I believe enter through crack in doors and gaps in windows. A note to happy people, insulate your homes with foam rubber strips.
It either sneaks in or is just always there but only I only notice it when the rest of the world seems bad enough or busy enough that I'm often left alone and realise the all to familiar feeling. A great thing to be writing about at the halfway point of fourth term. I've started some cognitive behaviour therapy in the past few weeks which is interesting although Im skeptical that it will do anything to improve my opinions of myself but maybe the best outcome is to at least understand them.
It could also be in my best interests to begin examining what I actually want or crave. I think I know but do I have the nerve to tell people and will I have the ability to process their reactions upon hearing? Do I possess the faculties to filter out the outwardly positive and negative reactions and determine a balanced truth? I don't have the answers. I have always wanted the answers but have never had the guts to throw myself at something without knowing the answer beforehand. Maybe now needs to be the time, good or bad.
There are no shocking revelations forthcoming. I want the same as what a lot of others want, with a twist. I want to be recognised as good at something. Not just anything but something that I want to be good at. I loved going to the gym a few years back, it helped be be in better shape for basketball, feel better about myself and see that I was improving myself. I even booked personal training sessions and paid in advance. I only used one of the four that I paid for. I don't want to be a gym junkie but it allowed me to be not than the worst player on my basketball team. I love playing but the game is so reactive for me, I cant get a step ahead I can only seem to play in the previous moment to the frustration of many a teammate. I'm average height, average build, below average fitness, below average game skills and quantifiably the worst player on my team. Two weeks ago I scored six points and was told I'd played "a blinder" of a game. I'm quite sure everyone on the team scores six points most weeks and besides we lost by twenty.
I want people to legitimately recognise me as being good at something that I really care about. I want what lost of people want, to be unique. I can hear family members now saying 'oh you're so funny", "you're a good teacher" "your child loves you", if that were the case I would have someone other than my family members saying that I'm a good teacher, I'd also have made it as a comic and my child is three and I play dinosaurs and vacuum cleaners. Neither of those is true even through the CBT techniques. I want to be able to feel that I am unique for being good at something I am passionate about and know (in myself) that it's true.
The unfortunate thing about my depressed states is that last part. I am unable to see how it can be true. That is the general tone of my life and I don't want a magical fix to my view of my life. The change needs to be me. I need to be able to understand it and not have some mythical Jimmy Saville "fix it" for me (terrible reference but I'm only thinking of the on camera version). Of course effort plays a big role. I do not put in an effort to be a better basketball player, it was obvious that when I did, I was. Mindset gets in the way of effort and fatigue, work and depression have a huge impact on mindset. CBT says that I am jumping to conclusions. I say that as I already know I am the worst player and know that only a colossal amount of training will make be significantly better then why bother?
The result is that I am trying to grow new skills and see if there's a way that I can quietly strike out on my own and be unique to a point where I can legitimately feel satisfied with myself. That's how I feel. I know my moods will go up and down. Work will get done, deadlines met, weeks pass until the break begins and I try to find the time to do this work on myself while I leave my family unsupported, then guilt kicks in.
I.M
