It is universally regarded....NO. It is an established scientific fact, that being a mother is a hard job. It is overly popular conjecture from many mothers that being a father is easy. I've only come to terms with this in due to my own experience in becoming one. I accept that I am not good at it. I accept that there are people in the world who are great at it. I even go so fa to say that right now I'm someone's father and working on becoming a Dad.
Heres some food for thought.
1. Conditional Love: We met our partners/wives/significant others and we wanted to be the only one for them (even if you had "the talk") we wanted to occupy the special place in their lives, so we worked hard. Our hard work was rewarded with love. If that hard work were to stop pre or post baby the conditions for loving that person would change. If husbands/partners became so demanding and difficult to live with the love would disappear completely. Love for one's child is unconditional. No matter how difficult life may become for getting up, crying, pooping (there are a few US readers), the love in most part is unwavering. So fathers are now at an immediate disadvantage.
2. The Replacement Paradox: Congratulations! You've landed your dream girl (you need one of those for this scenario to play out) you've pledged your love for each other in front of all your friends and family in a modestly expensive ceremony and living happily. You arrive home from work and are happy to see one another. You plan to do things together, and do them. You travel, eat out, stay up late and enjoy life. The baby is coming so you learn together, make plans for the birth, plan the nursery (you may or may not know how much of a con that is) and its all good and exciting. Then it happens. I'm not sure when it happens exactly but the world shifts slightly. Mum holding the living embodiment of your love for one another as it grunts, cries, screams, sleeps, farts or all of the aforementioned. Man's ego is dented, as man realises that he has dropped to second on the ladder (still guaranteed a preliminary final but may have to do it the hard way).
The father of a newborn tried to get up for feeds, help around the house, and genuinely wants to be good at what he's doing. There are varying degrees of success in such endeavours but as baby grows so so baby's needs. The one need that probably gets neglected is baby's need for contact with Dad which takes another hint when the 4-6 weeks parenting leave is up (if only someone could explain to newborns that the father has a limited time to create and sustain a bond that will last until the next round of annual leave).
Father goes back to work and mother's job at home with baby (unless Mum works too) becomes ten times harder because the token support which father was supplying has now disappeared. The bond between Mum and Bub grows very strong and Dad is finding that he has to own his role as head bath monitor and bottle washer to remain somewhat helpful (It was pointed out to me recently that paying the bills and providing income for food are not all that helpful when hoping to grow a child). A reduced and now split role with both baby and mother means that its hard to maintain a good connection with both and Mum's unconditional love has put Baby in first place on the Love List. Dad's best prospect is to help out as much as possible to cement second.
It is totally unintentional, it happens without people knowing. You've helped to nurture, care for and finance (in whatever way you can manage) your replacement in the heart of your partner. The realisation of this in men is often called Male Post Natal Depression and it is real. Nobody intended it and we all know that the vast majority 99.99999% of fathers in the world love their children, but some do wonder "wasn't I enough?".
I'm lucky and I write this too often. I don't drink, I have great work mates and one or two friends. I don't go out because I don't drink and its pretty hard to order a cappuccino in a night club (they can cause third degree burns if consumed whilst twerking). I'm going out to the shed and I will clean motorcycle, rearrange spanners and do things that will keep me from waking my child and wife in the house because neither of them get enough sleep and I love them.
Before I leave for the shed: the dishes and laundry are both washing. The toys are picked up of the lounge room floor. The bottles are sterilised and filled with boiled and cooled water. The correct number of bottles have infacol already measured out. The floor and high chair are clean and I've removed my crap from the kitchen table. Im not that good at being a father and not in the Dad category yet. but next time you hear about an unhelpful father or how easy dads have it can you please remember this little note?
Mum has the toughest job on Earth. Dad has the job of supporting the person he loves while looking after his emotional replacement and that's not exactly easy for all men.
I.M
